TW: SA

so i’m not entirely sure how this app works, so i’m sorry if i’m way off base on how this is supposed to go. I guess I just wanted somewhere anonymous to get stuff off my chest. I’m 19, and currently living at my friends house with them and their parents, it’s quite a long story of how I got here. I was kicked out when I was 17, so I’ve been taking care of myself for a while now, but the roommates I was staying with before lowkey were showing early signs of trying to traffic me (they were rich and 40+ btw) and they wouldn’t stop offering alcohol to me and my underage age friends: obviously, not great. Anyways, I moved everything out and in, in one day. Long story, but it was my 13th time moving. It’s weird, but I’m used to the feeling by now. My parents still don’t don’t where i’m living, my dads been blocked for a few months now, for a few reasons. My mom left when I was 14, I helped her move out, and left when she said the landlord only allowed 1 tenant. I’ve spent my entire life desperately trying to convince my mother to love me. She texted me yesterday, the first time since I told her happy mother’s day, last month. She said “Are you working?”, I haven’t responded.

Now that some backstory is out of the way, onto what I actually came to rant about 😭😭

So I’m the youngest of what used to be 5 girls, we’re down to 4 after my oldest sister was murdered. (Again, long story). My sister, who I’ll call Rory, stopped speaking to me about 2 weeks ago. I’m fine with that. I’m more than fine with it. We had a big argument over her taking back the geckos I was housing because she didn’t want to drive to pick them up. It was a stupid, irrelevant, apparently relationship-ending fight.

She’s spent her whole life belittling me and making me feel small, and I let her. No idea why. But last year when I was working some trauma out in therapy I recovered memories of when I was assaulted. I knew for about three years that something had happened, i just didn’t have a face. I didn’t have a clear memory. And then one day I did. And the face was Rory. We were both kids, which I guess should make me feel better. I spent so much time creating a monster in my head, or blaming myself for not being able to remember who had hurt me. I felt so guilty because I was scared whoever it was went on to hurt more people and it was my fault for not saying anything. But it was my own sister. And these memories came back right after my oldest sister had passed away, so i didn’t want to lose another sister, but i was also completely horrified. at the time i was living with rory and her boyfriend, then i left and ended up with two crazy rich people and the guy, we’ll call him nate, was a total *** creep. now i’m finally in what feels like a safe space and i feel absolutely miserable. the memories are becoming clearer, this m*lesting went on years of my childhood.

I just don’t know if my brain can actually *** handle it, I’ve barely even scratched the surface of how *** up my life has been and I don’t even know what the point of me venting it, I just don’t feel comfortable taking to people I know about it. It makes me feel guilty and dirty.

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