Therapy woes

So I started therapy a few months ago. It's all online, which is great for me. It's on Saturday, which is perfect, I enjoy the time and enjoy my therapist. We're both nonbinary and queer, so that understanding of my identity and intristic part of myself is super helpful.

Initially I was very funny, because I have a desire to be liked and be the funny guy for everyone. I don't want to seem like a downer irl. If I do talk about my childhood trauma, it's a stand up routine. "Haha, isn't this so funny?"

And initially, they would laugh along. They'd ask me to reflect on why I found it funny, but that I was good at jokes and finding the humor in bad situations, and wasn't that admirable, that I could be so funny and bring joy.

This mildly irritated me, because idk, it just felt like they were giving me reasons to be funny instead of delving into my issues. I communicated this to them, and they were receptive and said they'd make the necessary adjustments, and to keep giving feedback and they appreciated my telling them.

Recently, though, especially this session I was just in, they've started poking at my humor, my self deprecating jokes, my trauma. And like, that's good! That's what I want. But I also hate it. I feel like I can't be happy with therapy. Either I'm paying someone to pretend to be my friend so I can do stand up (which I don't like, I can do that for free), or they're actually my therapist and I don't like how that makes me feel. I feel hurt, and somewhat condescended to.

And the thing that upsets is I know they're not being condescending. They are doing the standard therapy, "Why does that make you feel that way?" "You've been through a lot of trauma, that's awful and you can make jokes, but why is it funny? I want to consider if you'd laugh at someone else in your position, because I worry it's out of meanness and self hate. If it's not, that's okay, but I want you to make sure that's not what's happening."

It's not condescending at all, but because it's hitting so close to home, that's the best way I can describe it. But I didn't love the old approach, and I don't like this one that much. I feel like I'm just being picky because I want therapy, but I think I don't want to do the work? I just want to magically fix myself by talking to someone, I think? I'm not sure. But maybe I'm not ready? Idk

I'm debating stopping therapy. I don't like this feeling. But maybe it's supposed to be uncomfortable? Idk any feedback is appreciated. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. Again, I appreciate their current approach. I just feel a lot of feelings about it.