This is a lot.

Our relationship started off like any other. He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine’s day. We were happy, we were excited to be together. You know, thinking the cliche stuff like “we’re going to get married.” He got me gifts, and i loved him in whatever way I could. We had like little arguments, but we were always able to get over it. He was everything to me and I assumed I was his everything. The first thing I had notice was when he mentioned a suicidal thought. It was during march break and he said something that considered me and stopped answering. I got really really scared. What i didn’t take into account was that he just got off work and was probably tired. I blew up his phone. Called, texted and that I cried. He then texted me saying “I’m so sorry, I fell asleep.” One thing to mention was that my ex did this when we were together to get my attention. So, I thought it was the same but I just told him I wanted him to be okay. After that, the relationship started to slow down. Less lovely dovey texts but I was still happy. But he started to withdrawal. So we had conversations. And I thought all was well until the withdrawals turned into days. And it all broke down in May of 2023, when I went on vacation to see family. The first time that we spent this much time apart. We didn’t know what to do. And This is where my trust issues began. Because I wasn’t with him 24/7 on call or in person, the thoughts of what my ex did came back to me. Because I wasn’t with him, I thought the same was about to happen again in two weeks. So, we started arguing. Because i started to project my issues on to him without really explaining why. To explain, my ex and I didn’t see each other for a while, like during the summer. We only could call and text and that’s when I found out that he was out cheating on me two weeks after summer started and then he left the first time. Back to my current relationship. It broke down our relationship a lot. But when I got back it was all okay for a bit. Now, I don’t live in the safest part of my city and my boyfriend had both some expensive shoes. He got robbed whilst dropping me home and while he said it wasn’t my fault, I could never stop blaming myself. I think there is where i started to hate myself again. In June of 2023, he went to a party and he just randomly told me one afternoon after he got off of work and went. We never discussed the boundaries. We argued so badly but we got through it. July 2023 was where it got bad he withdrew again. And it was bad and I started to curse him out and cry and make him feel so bad and called him a terrible person. He said somethings back but not. as terrible. We went on a mini break and got through it. Not much happened after that because we went on dates and started just hanging out and being happy. In sept it was his birthday, my mom’s and best friends so it nothing happened. In october wad the first time we broke up because of me. I started cursing him and he was like “I will talk to you when you’re ready but you’re not ready for a relationship.” So it ended I gave him space and we worked on things and got back together. In November is the first time we had sex and it felt like we were connected. I felt so connected to him and he said he did too. Christmas, New Years and my Birthday rolled around and everything is good. Then it wasn’t. Where both in the same classes together and are in the same friend groups and one of my friends asked him if he rather me or my boyfriends ex and he didn’t answer this caused a huge fight and we broke up. He tried so hard to make things proper and we got back together around our anniversary and then we broke up again. And *** when downhill. He broke up and I found out he wanted another girl and all that ***. We argued so much during that time. So so much. Then he stopped showing up to school and I started worrying. Nobody cared about what happened to him so I went to check up on him and we talked about everything and slowly started working on our relationship. Then in march we started to argue about things because of the fact that the entire school knew of his depression and he thought i told them but after everyone was asking me he was depressed I learnt everyone was thinking that. We worked on things again and everything was okay until may when the withdrawals happened and he told me he still had feelings for another girl. Then i broke up with him again. He worked hard to gain me back and we went on dates and did things   and worked things out again and nothing happened until this week on friday. When he withdrew again, he wouldn’t talk to me but friends and then i cursed him out in front of his friends and he broke up with me. So far, from what I’ve learnt from this app is i have some form of trauma at that shaped my perspective on people and relationships. What i want is to learn how to better convey my emotions. How when i start to overthink so badly and it starts to take over how i can bring that 10-1 in healthy ways. I also want to learn how to let go of the past. Be better for not my boyfriend but for me and future situation. At the end of the day as much as i want him back I can’t force him back into my life. So I want to learn how to move on and if he does come back be a better version of myself then when i left the relationship