Trauma/abuse/relationships

I'm new here I guess and I don't really know what I'm doing so here goes I guess

So I don't know I guess just to sum it up I was in a 5-year abusive relationship and I finally left that one and ended up getting with this guy that you know I thought was helping me get out of it and you know ridiculous me thought that he actually gave a f*** but turns out he didn't and he was just using me to pass the time

So I go from being abused to used to just nothing....

And the other night I guess a lot of it is coming back now that I don't have any distractions and I just stood in my kitchen shaking because I have this deep fear of the abusive guy coming back and you know he's only in jail right now and so I just have this deep fear of him coming back and if he ever did come back he would kill me and that's not even a joke and I hate that and then I got used by that other guy and I actually cared about him which is crazy cuz I shouldn't have been able to care about anybody in this situation that I was in but I tried anyway and it burned me I don't know

It feels kind of stupid writing it out like this cuz it doesn't even really cover what is actually going on in my head but I just want to stop fighting the monsters in my head alone I don't know where to go to actually talk about it so I guess I'll start here can't afford actual therapy so guess we're here I don't really know where to start but I got to start somewhere....