Trigger warning: mention of abuse Weird thoughts
I'm 16 years old girl who turned a few months ago. I'm homeschooled so I don't really talk to much people besides my family. Before covid I went to school. I was struggling with a porn addiction even in 5 -6 th grade which I know isn't normal. As well as fantasy of messed up stuff. My mother used to hurt me a lot when I went to public school when I got in trouble. Like badly. And over all sometimes I did deserve it I was "the class clown." Now that im homeschooled and my mothers got a medical condition she's a lot nicer. But she still has her moments.. I'm not gonna lie and say she hurts me for no reason. Sometimes I do feel like I deserve but others times I don't know.
But anyways back to what I was saying. My mom still hurts me sometimes so I know it's weird to want my girlfriend/future wife idk to do it to me? To fantasize about someone hurting me. To Haye my mom for doing that n fantasize about a woman doing the same thing??m
Honestly I could never tell a soul this but I really don't know what to do cause it's not getting better fantasy are getting worse. Personally I'm not going to ruin my life and tell someone irl about it. So I came on this instead. So I don't know where to start to fix it. Change my worsening thoughts. To make friends. I honestly don't see my life getting better from this point. Since covid it's just been a slow decline of first my "childhood" now "teenage years". As well as other stuff I don't even have time to get into. For all the time I spend on wattpad and a03 my life honestly looks like the main character where bad stuff constantly happens to her. One thing after another. I feel bad for wanting better when my mom is honestly trying her best with everything. A singls parent who knows she's dying in the next five years yet I'm mad at her. For isolating me from my friends making me quit sports. *** up my education. For never listening to me. For hurting and humiliating me repeatedly. Even though I deserve some of the beatings I don't think the severity of them was deserved. And despite all of this surprising I still love her and will do anything for her.
Anyways things for reading my rant of whatever this is really.
Weird thoughts
@carefulClementine
Wat u said wasent really triggering, because there are a lot of people in those types of situations who can relate. I wouldn't be writing dis if I wasent.
I've struggled wit porn addiction too. Whether I've been sober or whether I'm in the depths of it it always comes to get me.
This may sound dumb but wat u need to do is take dis stuff slow. You can't just stop because that will only make you worse and will only make you relapse, which is a horrible pitiful feeling. Yea that fantasy will go away, that stuff is build up of a long time disensitity its to wat people would even call "normal". I feel you completely
May mom may not have been straight up abusive, but wat you said I felt. My mom suffered from pretty bad alcoholism for most of my life until I turned fifteen, because after that she tried to get off of her prescriptions. I've had to stop her from slitting herself and try to even strangle herself with a cat toy. However at the same time she is who brought into this world, and is also the bringer of sum of the best times of my life.
Our generation has to grow wit parents who have trauma themselves, to which we end up becoming the victims of. Whether through abuse, neglect, or sadness from it all.
What your mom did was absolutely not rite, but I am not going here to say she's wrong etc because the only person who knows her the best is you. When you become an adult you will have a choice for yourself, on whether you stay with or not. You have to do wat brings you clarity, closure, and most importantly a route to healing your wounds.
(P.s. wit your future girlfriend/wife, that is not normal. You will realize that though as you lose that part yourself)
I could go on but I've written a lot lol. I wish the you the absolute best. Better times will always come to people, as long as they stay true to their values, and stay good people. Wishing much love to you and remember it all gets better. 😇