Tw cosca sa
this is my first thread and I really need help with this thing it has been eating me alive and in any or some way coming back and haunting me. I don’t really remember how old I was I was around 5-7 around the time my oldest sister we used to sleep together in this bunk bed and she repeatedly molested me I don’t know how long this went on it’s like my brain doesn’t want me to remember for how long but I just know it happened for weeks. I remember the terrible stuff she used to tell me when she did it too. Ever since then I’ve been heavily struggling with hyper sexuality and just like the feeling that I got something taken from me those days that I will never ever get back in my life I am every single day grieving the child I used to be. Every since then though I’ve been actively and randomly waking up with this ickyness and just overall disgusting feeling of myself and of everything this feeling it’s almost like an impending doom and it automatically ruins my whole day. Causing me to go into this depressed state all day. I don’t want to like get police in this we were both kids but the thing is she was like 10-13 years old. I never would’ve even think to do that to my little cousins or whoever if I was that age. I just feel disgusted why me this terrible thing to get to me. Makes me angry and sad because I’ll never be able to get my childhood back ever. I *** hate my sister and I always will am I also wrong for that? Yeah we act like it never happened now she has a career now happy and living which also kind of makes me jealous why didn’t that ruin her like it did to me does she even think about it now? Does it haunt her like it does me? I hope she knows she ruined my life. Why I was so miserable all those years with that feeling haunting me for years I *** hate her. Yeah I’ve told my mom about it multiple times but she always says the same thing or just stays sitting there not knowing what to do and I wouldn’t either I’m not blaming her or anything but mostly all she tells me is that to pray. Pray to god. God? Where was god when that was happening to me. Where was anyone really. My mom also doesn’t really believe in physchological help and I’m mostly to embarrassed to ask for it. It’s just the same feeling over and over again randomly and I don’t know what to do I have been sick and tired.
I’ve also with the hypersexuality ever since I’ve been actively watching porn and have had a porn addiction since I was 9. Kind of using it as some type of comfort. I still do it now. I know it’s wrong but I can’t find a way to quit. It’s comforting and feels good temporarily. I don’t know what to do
@emotionalEyes6466
I would be very from judging you for that. As far as I know becoming asexual, hypersexual and/or depressed are natural emotional reactions to the kind of abuse you described.
It is just like some people, after being wounded, escape from their sexuality at all, but some other people may try to take control of it in an active way. I believe it all becomes better when you start healing your wounds.
@emotionalEyes6466
Hello. Believe it or not, I would never see this message if I didn't enjoyed your response in another thread. Analyzing movies and music sounds like a great thing! So, I was curious of a person who is saying that and looked up your profile.
Coming back to your message in this thread... I believe it is completely valid and right to feel like you feel. I am sad to hear about all the difficult feelings you have to struggle, varying from anger, sadness and confusion to deep grief and feeling of a loss, suffering from a low self-esteem and anxious just like waiting for a disaster to happen any moment.
I believe the silver lining in this dark cloud is the fact that you remember what happened and are fully aware of the fact what this is doing to your emotional state. Knowing the problem is a good start for the healing process.
Do you have any chance to talk to a good therapist, with some experience on traumas?
Personally, I come from the adult children of alcoholics background, and some things sound quite familiar to me: constant emotional and sometimes physical abuse, living in sadness and anger, believing that I lost my life as a result of what happened, something I had totally no control of. In my case the therapy was some solution.
One of my best memories of the therapy were role-playing exercises: you sit in a front of a person who hurt you - not literally, because this role is played by a friendly person from the group - and you can tell her or him anything that is in your heart, about your feelings and their behaviour that hurt you.
When it happened, you were a little child, quite unable to understand the situation on any level. You've grown up to understand what had really happened to you a few years later. I believe the difference is now you are more mature person, who would be capable to defend yourself.
How do you think, what could have happened if you talked to your sister? Do you think she may feel guilty and ashamed about the harm she has done to you? How do you think she might react?
But I would highly unrecommend talking to her if that could be dangerous to you or to both of you.
If you are a movie person, do you know a film called "Antwone Fisher"? It is a story of a sailor who was abused in his childhood, facing his feelings of anger and loss, then talking eye-to-eye with his mother who left him and the person who hurt him. It is trigger-free, no drastic scenes - so it is safe to watch.
It may sound a little bit complicated. But I believe you could be able to go through the healing process and win. Experiencing this kind of abuse must be a terrible thing, but, please, remember that your traumas are not you - you are much more than your trauma, and you are still a valuable person.
Also, I am very positive about your maturity - they way you describe your situation and know your feelings. I keep my fingers crossed for you!