Working towards your trauma instead of ignoring it.

Sometimes it's just hard to accept we've been through something tough. Everyone, or most people have at least.

Well for me, I've grown up with a covert narcissistic father who was also a schizophrenic and had borderline tendencies even, he's clever and sharp, he shaped my identity, beliefsand thoughts, grooming me and exposing me to the darker side of life so much so it made me severly paranoid and depressed from a very young age. I'm still tied to him since i am not exactly "grown" But because of him I've been through so much and it's like heavy trauma i can't ignore, if I do my body finds another way to mourn. Now though I try to work hard despite the environment i live in, my community, school, country even isn't so good and is poor...it's like i always have to comprise. Heck the apartment i live in is covered in pigeon crap and is decaying everyday, its nasty and the people are nasty our roads are all half built and rural and the locals are toxic, teachers expect us to be robots and some even abuse us (i'm lucky that i got good teachers this year...im really grateful for that) but i still try to find joy in life and turns out i am able to, distract myself and yes I do feel joy, infact people are suprised when they realise i am suffering.

I'm trying to accept my trauma and grow. I work hard, like really hard. Always have to feel validated. When i look back at myself i wince at how harsh i was towards everything i did. I wanted to shrink inside and disapear it felt like i was a waste, my arms would dangle, long beside my sides like they had no purpose to even exist in the first place and I would be in this state of just "existing"...now though i am addressing this dissociative problem i am more athletic and fit or healthy. Despite everything I've been through i like to believe that it has shaped me positively. But I want to know if I can address the broken part of me.

Like it keeps me tied back and slows down the process. Like I get triggered by certain things and I loose my ability to function. I'm doing better than before but still every 3-4 days or maybe a few days straight i keep getting triggered over and over again which delays me from working.