hurt people hurt
I’ve never really done a thing with trauma or anything related to this but I’ve needed to get some time and process.
TW - family stuff and physical abuse that should be not considered corporal punishment
Last Sunday on New Year’s Eve my dad tried to physically harm my 14 yo brother and somehow did not manage to do so but left an emotional and mental wound on me and my family. Unfortunately with state laws, what he did is not considered criminal as my 14 yo brother was not hurt outside of a little mark which went away pretty quickly.
We were going about our day as normal, running late for church. Something happened and my mom started to talk to my brothers about them fighting day and night as we were getting later and later. My 14 yo brother was being disrespectful as he really wanted to be at church and see some friends as break was ending and said something to my dad that called out the way he treats our mom and all of a sudden my dad went from controlled and quiet to aggressive and intimidating. He dragged my 14 yo brother out of his seat by his shirt and my brother fell to the ground. At this point my dad was standing over him and started to hit him. When this was happening, he seemed to be trying to hurt him and fortunately for my brother, did not manage to do so. I do not remember what my dad was saying and my mom and I were calling people by this point. We all were screaming at my dad to stop and he somewhat heard us and stopped. My dad then tried to drag my 14 yo brother inside to stop him from going to church with us and my mom and I both screamed at him to stop. At this point we were waiting for the police and trying to process.
As I said with the issue of criminal charges, we cannot make justice happen in that way. My parents are in the process of separating which has been sped up by this incident and my whole family is transitioning to a new season. I have been trying to process and heal and with this new year, I am putting effort towards being a better friend and a better sister. I’ve tried briefly to find a couple listeners and sort of stopped looking but with this incident and the new year, I’d like to start looking again. If any listeners are interested and have some time, feel free to let me know and hopefully I’ll respond.
Thanks yous for the people who read this and know that you have value.
@StarrySkies1236, I'm really sorry that you had this hurting situation at the new year's eve... the time when people should gather together and makes wishes for the upcoming new year but not hurt each other (no matter physical or mental).
Although I'm neither a listener, nor a therapist, but from your story I feel like both of your parents need a therapy. I'm not sure how open they are for this, also therapies are not cheap, but if you propose this to them and back this up by telling that you care about them and love them, this might work and they may consider going to a therapist.
Even if this is not encouraged at this forum, but I'd like to share with you one technique I've learnt and which helped me. When someone makes me hurt, instead of self-defensing and hurting in response, I try to tell that person my feelings. As an example, let's say I talk to my husband and he says "what you did today is too late! You should have done that weeks ago!".
After hearing that I'm hurt because my effort wasn't valued. How I would respond to that in the past would be "oh, really? What about you? What did you do to remediate that situation weeks ago?"
Instead of self-defensing, my therapist taught me to talk about my feelings. So, these days I would say "I understand that you're frustrated and if I did that in the past, that would help, and now it's too late. But I'm trying my best to change myself for good. And I'm hurt to hear that you don't see my efforts. I feel like no matter what I do, this is not valued, so I feel like giving up. Please help me believe that it's not true and I what I do helps our family".
I think you see the difference between these two responses. Maybe it could also help you when you talk to your parents? And please remember that we are all humans and have feelings. First try to show empathy, that you understand how difficult it is for your dad/mom and then switch to your emotions, what you feel, so they could show empathy in return.