i feel disgusting

Tw: implications/mentions of SA (sexual assault) and Grooming

what she did to me...it was so horrible. so wrong. so...yuck. but, i felt so lost. i felt so alone. she made me feel wanted, needed. even if for all the wrong reasons i was a part of someone's life who wanted me. wanted my company. wanted my body. and yeah, as a kid that young i never should've been introduced to that. and i never should've had to go through that. but... i want it again. i know, it's gross. disgusting. revolting even. but... i'm lost again. alone. i want to be wanted like that again. so utterly bad. i miss her. even with all she did i still want her to come back. even after i blocked her, after i got her in trouble. she told me i'd come crawling back...and it kills me to say i want to. she made me feel loved. in all the gross ways but the good ones too. when she wasnt doing the things i hated at the time....she was kind. she cared for me. held me. listened to my problems. i want that again. i want her tenderness. the feel of her body on mine was the most scaryily amazing thing. it pains me that i let go. i know it was the right thing. that it wasn't legal or morally correct. but its like theres this hole that wasnt there when she was in my life. i wish i never met her so i wouldnt know how it would feel to live without her. loving and hating my abuser is.... so confusing. i've come to tell myself that it's not her i need, it's just human connection. love. affection. that i need. but, when it's not her it just...feels off somehow. it makes my skin crawl every time. as i talk and think about it.

i just want someine to tell me my feelings are valid...that im not disgusting....that im not alone... that i'll stop feeling like this....no matter how untrue it is.