i’m not sure

i don’t know why i believed so strongly that my life would forever have these people in it. but they were all i had when everything in my life went bad. even if they were the cause. it was all i knew and all i loved. i wish i could say it didn’t traumatise me but i went through *** with these people. and it took me loosing them to realise what they had done.

i was abused and taken advantage of.

it feels so stupid to say out loud especially since we were all still kids and i wish i could say they didn’t know what they were doing but they did. and it has ruined me. the way i love, feel, act , talk, live, think and so much more.

i truly believe nobody can ever love me and nobody ever will. i ruined my life with my family over these people and nobody wants to hear me talk about what they did years after it all ended. because if i wanted to i would have done it ages ago. and after it happened al i wanted to do was escape from it and act like none of it ever hurt me because i wanted to seem more tough but unfortunately i think about it everyday

i need to feel something that isn’t just pain and hurt. i feel it everyday all day and i want them to hurt like how i do or at least realise what had happened to me. what they had caused my mind and soul and my entire being to become. i act like seeing them again doesn’t hurt me. but those small things like the photos, posts and sometimes seeing them makes my heart drop and i go home and cry every time. i wish i could act like it won’t always be like this but i know a small part of me will always have to feel like this again.

they knew i was struggling with who i was and changed  me into a whole new person.

i can’t trust anyone. i wish someone could have seen the girl that needed help. serious help and not the girl who abused drugs, lied, stole, and hurt people. i needed someone to see me before it got to where i am now. it’s not fair how they will never see the bad they did and will never think they ever did anything wrong.

i wish i could go back and say sorry to those i hurt a long the way, my family, friends, my mum.

i’ll never forgive myself fully for how i treated any of them because now the damage is done and cannot be changed. i just want someone to see me for once. to know how it felt and to understand me. but nobody ever will and i’m sick and tired of waiting for things to be different