i want to let it go

          every year for the last 15 years my ex reaches out to me and we we try to work things out. she was a drug addict who used me for my car and my money. she would lie to me, steal from me, do things just to hurt me (like calling me after we broke up with her new boyfriend just to mess with me), one time she even tried to stab me.....  im not without fault.... i got her pregnant when we were teenagers and she has treated me like this ever since. it dosnt make how she treats me ok but i understand some of the anger at least. im sure she has other issues with me but she wont tell me. 

          this year we tried to work things out again. my mom died last year and she reached out to give her condolences..... she was the last person i needed to hear from. my mom hated her... for everything she put me through. anyway she convinced me that she is finally sober and she suggested that we make proper amends. i went along with it against my better judgement. things went good at first. we met up a couple of times to talk and we both apologized to each other but i wasn't quite over it yet. that's when her baby's daddy died from a drug overdose at Christmas dinner. she knows i just lost my mom and she reached out to me about it. shes the first and only person ive really talked about my mom with. it meant a lot that she would come to me about her babys dad, but it brought up some of my feelings about her. she had cut him out of her life just like i did to her.. i was afraid for so long that she would die just like he did. then she started pulling away. all my scars were open at this point. pandoras box was open and i didnt know how to shut it again. 

                 i know she was just pulling away to grieve but i couldn't put things down at that point. i started "chasing". and that made her pull away even more. which made me chase more. im ashamed of it but dealing with losing my mom then dealing with her. i was in a bad place i needed support she needed space. i knew that....but i kept pushing then she started taunting me and trying to make me jealous. it worked i stopped trying to work things out and started yelling at her. finally she ended up filing a restraining order against me. she lied at the hearing. she said we havent talked in 15 years. (convenient since thats the period of time she was doing nothing but abusing me) she said i had my friends harassing her (i didnt) and that i showed up outside her house one night and scared her kid. i liked her kid he just lost his dad i feel sorry for him..id never... 

              i know that this time i was in the wrong but she was too.. we were trying to work through our issues with everything that happened it was never going to be an easy thing. ive been telling her that for years. all i wanted was for things to end without me being left hurt and angry like so many times in the past. but here we are again. ive never been so angry in my life. to have someone who wronged me so severely (and knows it) make me out to be the bad guy and have a judge side with her. i was accused of stalking and harassing my stalker and harasser, how ironic. its been a month and my heart still feels like its on fire sometime with anger sometimes just pain. i know that its best if we never speak again but it dosnt make the feeling stop. im afraid it never will. and im afraid that when the restraining order ends if it ever does...... shes going to reach out again and start things all over. i just want to be done with this. its all ive wanted for years but she always comes back.