low self-esteem
Recently I found out, I feel I deserve to be treated badly. I am surprised when people are kind to me, and feel I'm intrinsically inferior to other people, or defective. I feel I need to work hard to be a better person, so I can deserve love.
And when I make some mistakes, I am subconsciously catastrophizing, have an image in my head, someone yelling at me, then I freeze, then I keep apologizing, saying I'll do it better next time. Then I needed to tell myself several times, it's OK, it's just a little mistake, it's OK, no one.
IDK if my problem was caused by trauma. I experienced bullying when I was in middle school, and I grew up in a traditional Asian family. My parents often said every parent would beat their children when they make mistakes, It is normal, so I experienced some verbal or physical punishment in my childhood, but they also worked hard to raise me, and they've apologized, so I don't know how I should feel about them.
I feel guilty for the love they've gave me, it's too much, I wish they don't love me.
@sociableCake7626 I used to feel like I was not as good as other people. That something was wrong with me. It was really freeing to realize that I, just like every other human am shaped by my experiences and struggle with an inner emotional world. We are all exactly the same in that regard. While it is true that society and our parents and some random person on the street all may have some opinion about our “worth,” there are literally billions of measuring criteria that they could apply to us. And because we are social creatures who attune to others opinions, each of us is susceptible to internalizing actual or perceived measurements of ourselves by others. And all those measurements are arbitrary and worthless. What matters is that we have an internal emotional life and we can choose to work with it the best we can and without outside influence. I hope you develop this kind of self awareness and self love. You will be with you for the rest of your life and there is nothing more important than learning to be good to yourself. Give yourself a hug. 🤗