trauma

I was a little 4 year old girl when my dad first abused me , my mom had been always at work leaving me for my dad to takecare of me , but instead he ruined my life until now , he used to let all of his anger on me when I did the slightest stuff , he used to beat me with a huge wooden stick that could turn my skin into a *** mess , he used to lock me up everytime with no lights and even no food , he even threatened me that he would break my bones into pieces if I tired to reach out for help or even turned the lights on , I didn't understand why is he doing that to me when I was a kid , I begged him to stop many times but he didn't listen , I was a kid that didn't know what hate was until he started to abuse me and he was the first person I've ever hated , he used to abuse me until I turned 10 , he even threw stuff at me , he used to punish me and make me stand at the corner for +4 hours until the sunrise, he ruined me so bad I started to look out for the warmth I needed when he abused me , I went through depression and still trying to cope with it till now , I never healed from what he did to me , until now my heart still drops the same way it used to do when he gets angry , I still can't get over what he did to me and it had alot to do with my self esteem , I still can't keep a single conversation with him unless i am shaking , he never showed me love , he never thought of what he did to me , I got into many relationship to feel the love I never got to feel and ended up getting hurt multiple times , I never had the chance to visit a therapist because my mom doesn't allow me to , I never got the chance to talk it out either with my mom or dad , I still feel ashamed of what was happening to me , I am now 15 years old stuck with everytime he used to abuse me , I hope one day he can really figure out what he did to me .