tw: underage s/a

hello, a quick vent :,(? i’m currently 16 years old and i’ve been a victim of underage sexual assault 3 times. first time it happened when i was only 5 years old. i don’t want to get into details, but it was a grown unknown men who sat me on his lap and started wandering his hands down there while distracting me with the toys i was looking at. at that time i didn’t get what was actually going on (obviously, because i was a kid) but it scared me. then it happened again 2 times throughout my childhood. when it happened to me 3 time it even led me to think if it was a s/a at all, because my mind was completely messed up with all the stuff that was going on. my whole childhood i was scared of opposite gender. it went that far that i was even scared of my own father. grandpa. stepfather. anyone at this point. i just want to let everything go and not be scared to be alone with a guy in the room without thoughts of getting raped.