Hi, I’m new here!

Hi, I’m Millie!

I’m not sure if/how much you’re meant to share here but I need to get it out so here goes nothing…

Basically, last year I was on a night out drinking with my friends and we all went back to one of our other friends houses for an afters. I drank far too much and was completely blackout drunk for most of the night (I was conscious, not passed out, but I have no recollection if that makes sense). I don’t know how we got to the persons house, or what happened there apart from what my friends have told me, which was that I was very drunk, struggled to walk/balance, slurring my words etc.

I woke up in the morning in this boys bed (I knew of him but we’d never really spoken properly) and I was in my underwear. Long story short I found out that we had sex. I was told that I was up for it and that it wasn’t rape, but I’ve always believed that you can’t consent to something when you are in that state. And so while I don’t want to make serious accusations or throw the word ‘rape’ around, as I know it’s such a distressing subject, the situation left me feeling very confused and disturbed. Afterwards my friends and people who were there would joke about how I “couldn’t even remember shagging someone” and they still occasionally bring it up to this day as a joke. I never sought out help or told anyone how I really felt about it, but it did mess me up and I’ve never known how to feel about it or cope with it.

This weekend just gone, the same thing happened again. Different boy, but the same situation. This time I have clear proof of me stumbling around/being extremely drunk from videos that both my friends and myself took (I found my videos & theirs were sent to me the morning after). This time, the boy walked me home and apparently we had sex on the way, and again, apparently I was ‘up for it’. But again I have no recollection of most of the night, I don’t even remember leaving the party I was at in the first place.

I do understand that I shouldn’t get myself in such bad states, and generally I don’t. I think that’s why I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone or why I just let my friends joke about it all this time because I felt like I was to blame for why this has happened. But equally I would never even think to take advantage of someone who was in that state, and so it doesn’t sit right with me.

I’m not sure what I should or shouldn’t be feeling but I’m quite distraught about it, and after seeing what it did to me last year, I know I need help/support this time as I’m afraid of what could happen if I don’t. And so that’s why I’m here :)

I don’t expect anyone to read this or reply, but if you have read it then thank you for hearing my story❤️