Hi, looking for new bonds

I just be quiet, because most of the time at wondering why I got out of bed at all. Like waking up in the still, realizing that I’m me no matter how much I pretend, and try to be someone else, I’m still just gullible, vulnerable, insufferable girl that really doesn’t have anything or anyone, I’m not in control of my present, but I’m terrified of my future .. nothing really makes me feel better, people have a lot of things to do to keep their mind off all the bad things they have going on like smoking, drugs, writing, running, fighting, drinking, venting, counting .. see me, I never had anything to cope, the motions to sit there and build up inside until I collapse one day out of exhaustion and there’s nothing I can do just accept it because that’s all I know how to do, I don’t know how to take control or cope or heal or anything .. I don’t have anybody, it’s like a war between my brain and heart, I can’t win. People say the more positive energy you put out, the more you will receive .. but realistically, nice people finish the last, people say the same *** over and over that doesn’t have any meaning and drives me out of my mind even more every time I hear it.