A Confession

Let me start this story by saying my parents seperated when I was at the age of eight.

I remember coming home to awkward dinners and trying to sleep through sounds of fighting and screaming. I remember my brother coping with it by always being out of his peers. I remember being very confused and just immersing myself to studying because there wasn't just anything better to do.

I remember my mother moving out of our house and that was only the start.

My brother and I still see her once a year. But we don't talk too often, and even now, I can't honestly say any of us know her well. But it's too late to be wishing they get back together, too late because we are no longer children. I remember just accepting the hard bitter truth about what happened to my family and seeing the reality of love and what it does to a person when it is lost.

I remember my dad having anger issues, harming himself, getting drunk, among other things.

I just wanted my only parent back. I wanted my dad back. I wanted him to be happy.

Where did it get me?

I was 9 when it first began, when I should have run. It was the age when girls start to buy bras and become tall all of a sudden. It was the time when I needed a female the most. But no, my grandmother isn't always around, and I didn't have any other female relative to turn to. So dad said he'll help me pick one, see if it fits. I remember stripping in front of him, and how I now realize how wrong it was.

If only it ended there.

I was 12 and I was still sleeping in his room.

We weren't rich and with one less parent that's barely giving financial support we were barely making it. So I had to share a room with somebody. I shared one with my father.

One night he asked me to play a game.

It turned out to be a strange game, my childish mind comprehended. Then it turned out to be very painful. But he said it was okay, that it was something people do in secret.

I didn't question him.

But years went by and naivety turned into confusion and confusion turned to disgust then self-loathing then anger.

I wish I could turn back time.

I wish it didn't have to happen.

I hate myself for putting up with it, when I should have known it was wrong. I should have said no I should have screamed cried yelled stop--

But it's all too late.

And now I just want to forget. But every time I see him it's all too painful. I can't confess to anyone. My grandma would probably have a heart attack over it. My brother looks up to him too much. My mother... I barely even talk to her...

Now, I just want to forget.

Move on.

But I can't.