A Good Life

“I am in the back row, one from the right!”

My mom still struggles to find me in the picture of 6 teenagers, one of which is a boy!

“You can’t find your own daughter?”

“It isn’t her fault! You have to remember a lot happened your senior year!” was my sister Beccas reply.

As if I could forget that year! Regardless of what happened, my mom couldn’t pick me out of a group of 6 kids. Becca could never understand the feeling. All the work in therapy had come undone in that moment. I felt as if I really never did matter. Like I was still invisible.

Logically I realize that that is not true, but try to convince my over emotional brain of that! Years of feeling unseen, unheard, and generally invisible made logic fly out the window. Generally speaking my life isn’t what anyone would consider horrible, or tragic. As far as my family was concerned until recently I had a good life. I had no major trauma’s before my senior year as far as they saw it. I guess we should go over some things. Now to start with my senior year or my childhood. . . . . . I think it would be best to at least let you know the traumatic thing from my senior year. Don’t want to cause anyone any anxieties! I have enough problems with that for everyone!

My oldest sister is around 3 years older than me, 2 grades ahead of me in school. She had already gotten married and joined the army. I spent most of my senior year excited to be an aunt! My sister was pregnant, I love babies! Now telling all of this makes it apparent something happened involving one or both of them. . . . .

In April, my sister went into labor! It was finally the big day! I had just started my job I work every spring at the local greenhouse. The entire family was getting ready to leave to go to California where my sister and brother-in-law were living. My mom asked if I wanted to go. I decided to stay. It was my senior year and spring break was almost over. They wouldn’t be home before school started again.

While working, my stomach rolled. I felt like my stomach had done a complete flip. My mom called me, there were some complications, T.J. (my nephew’s name) was breached. They would have to perform an emergency c-section. I still chose to stay home. They were all packed up and ready to go.

My stomach rolled again! All I could think was what? Again? My mom came back and said the c-section went well. But T.J. was in the NICU. That is when I made a decision I would regret for the rest of my life. I chose to stay home.

Later that day my stomach rolled. My parents called, he was being air lifted to Las Angeles Children’s hospital. They doctors released my sister the same day as her c-section so she could be with him. Oh did I mention it was Good Friday? When my parents got there, they and my other sister got tested. He needed a blood transfusion.

Saturday my stomach rolled again.

“What now?”

My dad called, he had streptococcus, and infection of the blood. They were going to put him on an echmo machine to try and help him beat it. I spent Easter with my then boyfriend. We had been dating over 3 years. It was a large get together. Lots of kids and adults. I was distracted most of the day. Until the late afternoon.

My stomach rolled again and I just felt dread. I didn’t want to go home and get that call. It was about 8:30 when I got home. I called my dad, while it was ringing my Nana and aunt Dawn walked in. My dad asked is I was alone. My boyfriend had come in with me also, because I told him I didn’t want to be alone for this call.. He had formed a blood clot and there was some brain damage. The damage was so extensive that they said he would never wake up. My sister and brother-in-law had to make a choice. Leave him hooked up and let him live as long as possible, or take him off life support and get to hold him while he was still alive. They chose to hold him their first and last time holding him alive.

My boyfriend took me to his sisters at my request. I didn’t want to be alone tonight. She had two elementary aged boys that were in the same district as me. I had decided I was going to school the next day. It was either that or spend it alone, or what would have been harder, spending it with my grandparents! Not that I don’t love and adore them, Nana is just very emotional and I wanted as much of a distraction as possible.

That morning I walked in the school. I remember I was going to let our friends and teachers know about the baby. Everyone was excited for my sister and I had been talking about it all year. I ended up balling in the principles office. When I got myself under control, he wrote me a note to excuse my being tardy for my first class. Well, I didn’t go straight to class, I figured what was the point. Plus I already had a slip for the tardy. I went to the band room. I walked in, I remember a few heads turning but everyone was just relaxing and talking. The band and choir had just gotten back from a trip to New York the night before. I walked towards the choir directors office, My best friend walked out and I just couldn’t control the tears.

“Why are you here?”

“I. . . . . “ I struggled to say that one word. I tried a few times not getting more than a word or 2 out.

“I didn’t want to be alone, it would have been too much.”

The next few hours were a blur. I don’t even remember leaving the choir room. I do know I managed to not all out ball during class. Finely it was lunch time and my day was half way over. I walked in the cafeteria, looked at the table my friends and I had been sitting at since our freshmen year. The table I had sat and joked with my oldest sister and her friends for 2 years. I couldn’t hold in all the pain.

One of my other friends luckily was already walking towards me as soon as she saw me. She just held me until I could get myself sort of under control. The next couple weeks blurred together. My sister was fighting an infection, so my family was still in California.

My stomach rolled one day. I remember thinking “no. . . no. . . no” It was bad, though my family didn’t tell me how bad it was until much later. I guess around the time my stomach rolled, would have been when her temperature was 105 and they weren’t sure she would make it.

By the time my sister was healthy enough to travel, mind you not healed or really healthy. My family came home. It had been almost 4 weeks. I couldn’t imagine what it was like to watch him pass, or to almost lose your daughter. But I had struggled and lived through one of the hardest experiences of my life feeling totally alone, I had my nana, papa and aunt. I also I had my friends, boyfriend and his family, plus I had my teachers and I was involved with the church at the time. But really at the end of the night, When everyone was in their own homes, I was alone. My entire family was 2500 miles away.

It was time to plan the funeral. My dad took Beth and me up to the funeral home. I know we will get a lot of side eye from this, But I was going up to meet and hold me nephew. I remember holding him for the first time, he was so cold. His back had flattened out a bit, he had a blue tint to his skin, When I took him from my sister to hold, I remember supporting his head and rocking him a bit out of instinct from all the times I had held babies before. My sister had been crying off and on the entire time they had been home. I don’t remember how he ended up with him, but when my dad held him. . . . He looked so heartbroken. I had only seen him look like that once before.

I don’t remember the viewing we held for family and friends, other than both evenings after them the families would gather round the viewing room, we weren’t ready to say goodbye. We took turns holding him each night. I do remember at one point during all of this that my sister was very upset about his casket. It was a small white domed shape casket, and it looked like Styrofoam. Now obviously it wasn’t Styrofoam, and they managed to explain things to her. Not sure what they did tell her, but it helped.

On the day of the funeral, the funeral home had to bring in more chairs from storage. So many of our family and friends showed up to be there for our families. We had teachers from all stages of our lives there. There were no dry eyes that day, not even the funeral directors.

The minister struggled so hard to do the service. It was his first funeral for a child. Plus he had married them just 2 years earlier. When it came time to read a poem my dad wrote, he started and stopped a couple times before he could get through it.

We filed out and drove to the cemetery. My brother-in-law’s dad struggled through it but he made sure he took his T.J. for a ride in his hotrod! No hearse for our little man! His casket was so tiny, he only needed 2 pall bearers my brother-in-law and his dad. His dad was fighting stage 4 cancer during all of this.

That evening I remember, getting drunk for the first time. We were all trying to numb the pain. It didn’t work very well. But for a little while we were able to not forget, but to feel less pain.

Well now that I have told you about those 5 weeks of my senior year, you can understand why my senior year was a bit difficult.