A Traumatic Experience

Hi all, I've never been able to openly discuss what I've been through due to fear of being judged, but here on 7cups I know I can talk about what happened. Feel free to comment or share advice / your experience.

I've always suffered with anxiety, particularly social anxiety, and depression which has made being with people in any situation very tough. I grew up with a lovely family who were close to my parents, and I was close to the son & daughter, and when they moved away I was only a toddler. They moved back to the area 6 years ago and it was lovely to have my two friends back, we did everything together and it was so nice to catch up on the missed years.

Before long I took a big hit with my anxiety and explained to them what was wrong. They were so kind anhsympathetic, a great support, and they helped me through a lot. As we spent more time together, the lad and I grew very close and it wasn't long before before he expressed romantic interest in me. I had never been in a relationship before, and feeling iffy with anxiety levels, I explained how flattered I was and I felt the same, but because of my anxiety I wanted to hold off a relationship until I felt more stable.

He was so kind and understanding, he thought it was very sensible. Two years passed and we went through so much, he was there beside me all the way and never let me down. We finally decided a to dedicate ourselves to a relationship and we were so happy together.

Soon after I experienced a severe anxiety attack which changed everything. I found it difficult to express my thoughts and feelings, and my boyfriend changed into a monster, accusing me of being misleading, saying he couldn't cope with my problemsand asking if he was wasting his time with me. I just don't understand - he'd helped me through so much before,why was this different now?

In social situations he'd ignore me, would only talk via text, and if I walked into the room he'd make a show of turning his back on me. I noticed he was getting very close with my cousin. Eventually he sent me a text to break up with me, but said when I was better he would still be interested in a relationship.

Withing three days I noticed he and my cousin were flirting a lot and his mother told me they were now dating and inno uncertain terms expressed her disappointment in me and accused me of hurting her son. What had I done wrong? He knew about my problems years before we even told each other we romantically liked each other.

His family completely shunned me, and so did my cousins family. In social situations they'd congregate together and laugh and giggle and whisper and I just knew they were talking about me.

Words cannot describe the pain I felt and still feel.

I vowed I would never give me heart to anyone else and get into another relationship.

It has been 2 years, but things were still so bad I have moved home to another part of the country. I cannot trust anyone anymore, even my parents I'm always second guessing them. I do not socialise at all, I do not go out socially and I can't bear the thought of being in public. I know all this is to do with my anxiety, but things are just so.... hard.

And it hurts, so so bad.

Any thoughts?