A genuine letter to my abusive ex boyfriend. *trigger warning*

*trigger warning: curse words, detail about verbal abuse, etc*

I don't know how to properly start this. Has always been my flaw in writing but also in life.

So I'll do it messy because sometimes is better this way.

People say for me to forgive you. But I say over my dead body. Why should YOU deserve forgiveness? Bullshit. You hurt me. You manipulated me. You knew exactly what you were doing and your entire family took your back.

Even guys who were considered bad ones came to me in our highschool asking me if I was ok. They saw the abuse. I was so naive... I was beautifully naive and you fucking knew that.

17 years old , insecure, wanting a boyfriend to fill the empty space in my heart that was created by man things. Mostly the death of my grandparents , the bullying, the isolation from family because I had (still don't) no place to vent to them since my issues were so little besides theirs.

You abused me for 3 years.

You took all my friends away making me believe they were all fake. You made comments about my body that I swear if it was today I would be in jail for how many bones I would break from your body.

You destroyed my entire femininity. You destroyed my intimicy.

I'm 22 years old and still a virgin because the thought of having sex makes me feel vomit on my troath.

I can't look in the mirror still.

I can still feel you pushing me for some sexual things we did.

I still remember your words: "you cry but in the end you always want it. You always do it".

You KNEW I didn't want it., You would sleep and leave me to cry in your bed. You would tell me to leave your house at 2 am , when there was only drug addicts and rappists out there.

You were my worst mistake. And to this day I'm paying for it.

I don't have friends. I don't have self esteem. I can't handle my body. I'm in constant mental and physical pain from what you did. my relationship with my boyfriend is a fucking joke thanks to you.

And obviously to show how amazing you were, how a "good guy" you were... because you know, when a guy says he's a good guy he's always a good guy right? My and here I thought simpathy was a thing that every human SHOULD have. But of course, you're a nice guy! A nice guy that couldn't take criticism, that was narcissistic, that said "I'm a nice guy" out loud to see if he convinced himself of that.

You're such a nice guy you came to me and said "all our town says you have down syndrom". You're such a NICE guy you nodded your pathetic coward head to them and laughed along with them. And you know the tears I had in my eyes? They weren't sad. They were anger tears. How DARE you!

You knew that I had my cousin in our class. You knew he had down syndrom. And you fucking knew how wonderful of a human being he is, yet you , you fucking coward, laughed along these people like down syndrom is an insult when I'll tell you that down syndrom people are far better than you. You're not even 1% of what they are.

And for this I'll end this saying I won't forgive you. Ever. Because this pain and hatred will pull me forward.

I'm already a fantastic university student, I'm working on my mental health, and working on my dream that is to be an author.

One day I'll be able to say out loud that thanks to you, a failure of a boyfriend and an excuse for an human being, I became so strong no one can knock me down.

You're not forgiven. But you are my fuel to my fire to raise up and be at the top.

Thanks for the pain mate. We'll see each other one day, me looking down on you.