All kinds of abuse and stuff (in case it wasn't obvious enough: all kinds of Trigger Warning)

Hi. I was born to parents who never really got along, but who married and popped out some kids because they wanted to get away from their own abusive parents and didn't know what else to do with their lives, apparently. They were young and had probably never experienced much love themselves.

I do have some good childhood memories, mostly of when I was alone or with one of my other relatives. The memories of my "home" are mostly arguing, yelling, slamming doors, passive-aggressive and sarcastic comments, insults, violent outbursts. Me crying alone in my room for hours. Me crying in the living-room while my mother ignored me. Me crying while my father yelled at me to stop it. Me terrified and tense in my whole body while I heard his angry footsteps approaching me or my younger siblings. The latter was almost worse as I got older. My sister lying on the sofa, crying out and trying to protect herself while he hit her in the face with her school book, and I couldn't help her. I was always supposed to help her and others and be understanding and not be a burden. I was the oldest and smartest out of my siblings, so I'd be fine and wouldn't need taking care of. I got neither emotional nor practical support, only supposed "tough love". You know what. F*** "tough love". F*** it so much.

I was barely in my teens when I became suicidal. I don't know when I developed depression, anxiety, paranoia, probably OCD. Nobody saw me. My mother yelled at me for being a lazy parasite and made fun of my weird behaviour at family gatherings. I think I've basically always had insomnia. There were times when I had panick attacks and feared for my life almost every night. I was afraid that once I'd fall asleep, I wouldn't wake up again. Getting up and to school was terrible every single morning, oh yeah and I was bullied at times. Coming home I could expect anger and violence and I'd often trade my fear of dying for thoughts about finally ending that hell. The only thing that kept me alive was knowing that those days were many, but numbered. That one day, I'd get out of there, I'd get far away, and I could have a good life. I did keep a bag with what I thought were necessities for running away and living in the woods, but I never dared.

The first person I dated, basically abandoned me. The second one was very sweet, but severely depressed and so self-hating and jealous that we had to break up even though we loved each other. I had a "best friend" for a while, I wish I could say that I left after waking up with his fingers inside me. My third partner showered me in attention and compliments at first, then slowly eroded what little self-esteem and confidence I had by critisising whatever I did, basically taking charge of my life and making me dependent, getting aggressive out of nowhere, ranting and insulting me and telling me it was my own fault, then guilt-tripping me into staying, being nice again for a while, until next time... After finally getting out of that relationship, I moved in with a roommate who pressured me into sex. Spent a few years desperately trying to get love from people who didn't seem to care very much about me. Found someone who cared very much, and was incredibly happy for a short time, before it turned out that we were both too traumatised and unstable to be together. Got suicidal again. Managed to pull myself up once more. Had a series of close friends who all left me because I suck at social stuff and was too preoccupied with my own issues. Now the most stable things I have are a few long-distance friendships with little contact and some kind of part-time relationship with someone who is struggling too much themself to be able to be there for me as much as I'd need them to. Surprisingly to no one, I've never been able to finish a degree or hold a job for long.

After three decades of all that bullsh*t, I'm so sick and tired. Trying to finally get a decent therapist. Wish me luck?