Bringing things back up
I'm not sure how to start this one. There are multiple situations that have led to me having PTSD. The majority of the triggers or flashbacks I have are from my childhood. Recently and more so today I've been having memories pop back up from stuff that happened to me at around 19 years old. For some reason I felt like I really needed to look up my abuser on facebook. I'm not sure why. I'm just glad they hadn't posted any photos of themselves. I also wanted to make sure they didn't find me and move to where I live now or anywhere close or infiltrated my group of friends.
For the longest time I had immense fear of seeing them or that they would find me. A few years back there was a man that came into my work who looked similar and I would end up hiding in the bathroom in full panic not being able to leave until they left. To the point where I would prepare myself for the real thing and bring a pocket knife and pepper spray and walk myself through what I would do. Same thing pretty much happened at the job I have now even though logically I know I'm 1,000 miles from them and it couldn't be him.
I feel like looking him up online was really weird for me to do. Like as if it would make what happened okay. Or that he wins knowing that years later I remember 3 months of messed up stuff or that I'm still afraid. Not that he would know I looked him up which is now a fear which is probably illogical.
Does this make any sense. Why would I do that?
@Lyra90
These sort of events in life have such an immense and long lasting impact. It's no surprise to me that you continue to have thoughts about it, or a curiosity and anxiety about what your abuser is doing in the here and now. I hope you've been able to reassure yourself that you're safe. That he was part of your past, but does not have to be part of your future. Yes, the effects his actions had on you are far reaching, but seek to draw strength from how you've coped since. You're a survivor, and you should feel very proud of yourself for that.
