Dead end

Are people ever really lost causes? I don't believe that, and I'm not even a pessimistic person, but lately it feels like it might be unrealistic to be too hopeful, and I'm struggling to define where that line is.

I've had a lot happen to me. I've been abused my whole life, and only escaped my awful narcissistic parents' household a year ago. Friends would, and still do, tell me that my parents were like cartoon villains come to life. They isolated and controlled me and I was never allowed to be a person.

They've left me to die more than once. I came down with some sort of illness that prevented me from eating for an entire summer, and was only yelled at for it. No medical care, even when I collapsed during a hot summer hiking trip. I'm thinking a lot about that near-death experience lately.

How long can a person really hold up after all that?

Last year, they threatened my life and then gave me a lecture about how the world doesn't owe me survival. That's when I got out of there.

The people I thought were my "support" network told me it was ok if I had to be homeless, and during one night where I thought I was going to die and all I wanted was somebody to keep me company for an hour or two and watch a movie together, they all went to bed and sent me some "in case I don't see you again" messages. One of them told me I should accept never being able to be happy again, and one said it was unrealistic to do anything but slave away in dead-end retail work. I'm no longer friends with these people-- two of them ended up being sexual predators. Yikes.

Anyway... now I'm kind of in a dead end. I have no resources at all, I'm sick and tired, my bank account is in the negative, I can;t find a job and don't have enough career experience, and I don't see a way to afford rent or groceries this month. I have a week and I'm freaking out a bit. I've been tryin g to ask for help, I started a GoFundMe, but it's all sort of fallen on deaf ears at this point. It hasn't gone anywhere in over a month and now I just don;t know what to do. I hate taking from people in the first place! I want to be the one who helps people. I have no future and what little I do have, like my computer, is all broken. And it kind of feels like my body is, too. the house I'm in now is making me sick.

My issue is... when do I just give up and give in? I feel like I'm going to die, and I don't know if I really do deserve to live no matter how much I want to. I'm thinking a lot about the times I almost have.

People like me, but I don't know if I'm loved. I might never hear "I love you" again.I feel so isolated. I'm staring into an abyss.

The online friends I have been making.. I don't think I can open up about things like this.

I'm just afraid I'm going to die. I can't decide if I should just accept it or not, but I don't want to. I just feel really alone. There isn't anyone I can talk to about something so heavy and my support has dried up. I want to just be okay and not struggle to survive. I want to connect with my friends properly and rejoin all the communities I haven't had the ability to participate in. I'm losing myself and I don't even have a life to live? I really don't know what to do anymore.

I just needed to get that off my chest, I guess. Thank you.