Diary of person
I'm probably posting this in the wrong place or something💧
Oh well...😅
Uh, so don't know if my story is valid, seeing as it's not as bad as what others have been through, buuut. I had an abusive Mother. She's dead now. I did not kill her though!
... Just thought I should mention that, in case you got the wrong idea...
Anyway! So, she was not all that nice. She was very funny, and smart, but neither of those things mean that she was a good parent. I think maybe people like her shouldn't be allowed to be parents. As a kid, I was a handful. Like, I almost got expelled from Primary school(about age seven or eight I think) because I had biiig anger issues. This was almost entirely, I think, due to my Mother. She was not a good role model by any standards!
Um, for instance... One time, I lost a pair of scissors. Little children's scissors, with a giraffe pattern on them. Not, like, a family heirloom or anything. My Mum exploded, of course(Whenever I lost or damaged something, and I was a kid, and kids do that, she always got really angry at me. Maybe that doesn't quite capture it. To use an expression she used, she came down like a ton of bricks. Like, this one time? I accidentally snapped the cheap purple headband I wore to school, I was about six, and I started crying, not because it was broken, but because I knew my Mum would yell at me, and I told the teacher that I was scared that my Mum would be angry... Oops, approaching character limit!!
I was kind of scared to check this thread again for a while...💧
Looks like it's fine, though! I was worried that someone would tell me off for posting or something! That's silly, huh?
Ah, so my Mum died when I was ten. I'm fourteen now, by the way! So... Pretty young. I don't know what she died of, but she did, and she had been sick for a very long time beforehand.
She collapsed in the hall, and the ambulance seemed to take a long time to arrive, and when it did, there were lots of voices and flashing lights, but it was late, so I was in my room.
I remember she said she was scared.
She called out, and asked if someone could bring her a pillow, because she was lying on the floor in the hall.
I brought her one, and she asked who it was, and I said
"Me"
and she said
"I don't want you to see this."
Which were probably her last words. My brothers were camping at the time, so the day after they came home all cheerful and loud, but Dad met them on the path to the house and told them.
@ivoryTiger1639
So sorry about you mum.. You are one strong girl. <3
@ivoryTiger1639 - Thanks for sharing this memory with us. :( How do you feel about your mother's death? I would have a lot of different feelings.
So... I guess when she died, I was pretty sad. I mean, that's understandable. When she wasn't angry she was a smart and funny person, and she did love me... I was her least favourite, but she did. There was a funeral, and my cousin cried more than I did, which I still feel guilty about... The thing is, I'm worried that I'm not sad enough. Like, it's been almost five years already. When your mum dies, you're supposed to be all distraught and crying every time you think of her, right? Like, I took school off for a week, but I went to Girl Guides, and one of them said to me "my mum didn't think you'd come this week!"
You see, a normal person would be way too sad to go to Girl Guides, right?
@ivoryTiger1639 - That makes perfect sense to me. We feel how we feel about things. How we feel about a thing is our normal. I think "normal" varies from person to person. It is understandable for you to feel sad. It's also understandable for you to feel confused, or even angry, or a bunch of other emotions. It's ok not to feel 100% sad when we lose people who created very confusing and sometimes toxic environments for us. The passing of a mother, whom one had a complicated relationship with at best, is a very personal thing and no one has the right to make you feel judged for any emotions. *hug* Keep writing and exploring yourself. You're doing great.
Have you ever wanted to be someone else? Because I do. Every day. Basically, I have two modes, talking too much and not talking at all. The worse one is when I talk too much, because I can be really annoying. I don't know, I just haven't liked the person I am for a long time. Ever since I was... Six, or possibly earlier, I have always wanted to become someone else. Basically, change my personality so that I am perfect. And people say "perfect is boring!" But I can't agree. Because if you're perfect then you're not boring, otherwise you wouldn't be perfect. The main problem is that perfection is subjective, you know? The perfect person would be one thing to one person and one to another. I would like to one day be the perfect person to myself. So, I guess the reason I want to change so much is because I'm not really a good person, I don't think. It's also kind of my Mum's fault. I don't want to blame all my problems on one person, because I heard a quote once that was like "A victim is only a victim because they blame all their problems on others. Only once you rise up and accept responsibility can you truly move forward." I'd like to move forward. I've been stuck for a few years. Anyway, my whole mentality kind of maybe a bit my Mum's fault because of various reasons which I will detail in the next post.
Ah, so... We know that my Mum wasn't a kind person. Or a nice person. She was smart and funny but not kind. It is my belief that being kind is more important than being anything else, and I wish I could be a kind person. Anyway, being brought up by a woman with... Anger issues, shall we say, I was given a negative role model in the person that was most important in my life. Therefore, I also acted like my mother, because she taught me with her actions that this was the right way to behave. I had trouble expressing my feelings and got easily frustrated and angry. I still kind of do, but I don't punch people or yell at them anymore, which is good. You should never yell at people, or punch them. Never. Anyway, ironically? When she saw me acting like this she got mad at me more, causing me to also get mad at others, so it was a vicious cycle. After the incident where I almost got expelled, and then got locked in my room for a day, the school decided I should see like a councillor person, who would help me with my anger issues. It "magically worked"! My mum was very impressed that this lady had managed to fix me. I don't think she realised that it had nothing to do with the councillor. She had scared me out of it, finally, with the locked in bedroom incident. Soo that's how the most scary day of my life was actually a good thing, kind of, except for the mental scars it left me with.
Of course, I was only locked in a room for a day. Many, many people have been through worse. Many people would gladly trade. I don't even have PTSD, so should I even be in this thread? It was even five years ago, so why can't I move past it? In the grand scheme of things, it was a small event that is nothing compared to others, so why am I still stuck here? If I could somehow remove all memory of it, I would. Even all memory of my mum.
So... Tomorrow I'm going to make a card tower out of shortbread biscuits? Also there's a new season of Voltron coming out. My friends are pretty into Voltron. Um... I don't really like Voltron, for weird reasons. Haha, so it's pretty dumb to be jealous of fictional characters, but it's just... They talk about the fictional characters and their fictional problems(some of which are similar to mine) like they're real people. I guess I feel like there are real people with real problems who need you, a bit, and yet you still care more about these 2D images...
Okay, so it's totally my fault. I haven't told anyone about my problems. Like, anyone. Um... I also don't want to go see a counselor. I feel like it would be weird to talk about this stuff to a total stranger, and besides, I don't really like people. Oookay that's an exaggeration. I like people, just not people who don't really know me and then.... Ugh, I'm not even going to finish typing this. It's pretty stupid and mean. Anyway, I'm also kind of scared to go to one, I guess? I won't go to a counselor. Yeah, that probably sounds stupid to you. Okay. Soo I'm stuck then. You can't really move forward unless you tell people, right?
Honestly, though! I've said this before, it's like I can't move past this one dumb thing and I should be able to because it's not even that big, but I'm stuck on it.
@ivoryTiger1639 Im so sorry youve experienced all of this! It can create such an emotional conflict internally when the people who are supposed to love and support us unconditionally also hurt us 😞. I hope that you can find it helpful by getting out some of these memories and thoughts here. You are deserving of unconditional love and support- dont ever question or forget that!
Taking a leap and opening up to a counsellor or therapist can definitely be fear provoking and leave one feeling vulnerable especially when youve had your trust broken in the past. I personally have found counselling and therapy very helpful- sometimes more than others. I found that the more open and vulnerable I allowed myself to be- then the more I actually got out of it. But it was definitely hard.
Big hugs to you ❤️
