Feeling Lost- Warning for Sexual Abuse
Before I start, I should say that I've been seeing a therapist for a month now and it's been baby steps to learn how to cope with PTSD. It's been successful until recently and I'll explain why soon enough.
So... I was abused in my last relationship. My ex was anything but stellar. He used to get into arguments with me, claiming they were debates, force me into liking his interests to the point he made me question my own religious faith, and at the height of it forced me into a lot of sexual things. Worst was when he basically walked in and forced his way into showering with me, which I'd rather not discuss the details of what happened at this time.
I put all of that in the back of mind because years ago I thought that was normal with only the vague notions that something was wrong. I'm in a new relationship now but progressively I kept finding myself feeling wrong or worst, have random anxiety attacks. It wasn't until it dawned on me later on that rape is not just viginal intercourse that I realized what had happened before. Even worst, I noticed how it was effecting my current relationship.
All of that is something I'm struggling with currently. But worst of all is I've told this to my mom, she has the understanding this is effecting me yet she'll still bring up jokes and comments about my current bf and I being lewd together. I've tried grounding myself and changing the subject, I've tried point blank telling her that it makes me uncomfortable too. But time and time again, she does the same thing despite what I've told her.
I don't know what to do anymore and each time it happens, I feel less of a person inside. She keeps insinuating that going to therapy would also mean I get better and eventually will be sexual again. But I've posed the possibility that won't be the case and she gets... I don't know weirdly defensive before saying "I'm sorry I've upset you." I don't understand why sexual intercourse is a necessary part of life. I don't understand why she keeps bringing this up.
I'm honestly lost on what to do anymore. It feels like now I'm screaming in a foreign language she can't possibly understand. But if I tell her that, I know she'll only assume she upset me and nothing more.
@thoughtfulCake6126 i cant really help with your mother or what you could say to her, but i can understand the situation with your mother mine is so much the same and i feel your frustrations! I hope you and your mother can talk and sort this out everything takes time and everyone has ways of dealing with things. Im also very sorry you had to go through all that!
Update: Starting to feel confused on my mother in general, for a lot of reasons. She gets pretty irritable at me after dealing with my dad for starters and there's a lot of times I try to help her only for her to push me away or refuse the help. She has arthiritis and I've gotten to the point all I can do is watch her continously hurt herself. Our whole relationship has changed over the years and although I have some hope that moving out might improve it, I'm slowly starting to think that might not be the case.
I do have two people I confind in but sometimes I feel annoying or I get in the way of focusing on their own issues. A lot has happened to the point I'm not sure if I viewed things the right way. Especially if it's taken me this long to realize what my ex had done to me is more than just emotional abuse.
@thoughtfulCake6126 what do you need at this point?
@enjoyiableBerry49 I'll be honest and say that was vague enough question to alarm me in some ways. Until I stepped back and realized I was being super vague about my situation. So.
I live in a house where my brother and father are very emotionally abusive. My dad has said a lot of things to me that I'm now realizing has had damaging effects on me. Things like telling me that I'm wrong to make himself sound right or in my brothers case saying he'll kill me when he disagrees with me in an argument. The height of all of this would most likely go to the time my dad choked me and then gave me a half-assed apology afterwards. One that went "I'm sorry but you need to understand your words made me upset" kind of bullshit. Things have improved some that my brother is getting the help he needs and my father.... is there I guess. He's going to a therapist but every time he hasn't gone in a while, he just falls back to his old habits and the tension in the house flares anew.
Through all of this, my mom has been a rock of support when this had happened in the past. But now it seems like she's been less supportive lately. I know she's trying, I know physically she hasn't been well and the stress of trying to keep the house calm might be getting to her. But I do not know how to handle being told to "lighten up" or "get over it" when I seem dour or not in a jovial mood.
I guess I want my mom back. I want some safety in this house. But it's getting pressingly obvious that maybe that's gone and the fear sets in that I might need a way out soon. and honestly, I'm scared because I don't think I have enough to live on my own for a month right now.
