Fetus Loss (trigger warning)

On Monday, April 12th I was due for my 8 week check up. I was excited because I thought I would get to see my baby for the second time. Instead I looked in horror at the blank grey screen, and my doctor said “I’m sorry for your loss” every single night when I try to fall asleep I can hear myself scream “my baby” and feeling the world collapse around me. According to the doctor, my baby died from chromosomal abnormality. Ever since then I feel as though I have been living in a nightmare and I can’t wake myself up. I feel alone, betrayed by my own body, a singular hatred for the world and feeling as though the feeling is mutual. I blame myself, I blame the world, mostly I blame my body. The doctor told me that there’s nothing I could’ve done differently, and no one seems to blame me except for myself. I feel as though my heart has been ripped out and ground into the pavement outside. No one seems to understand that even though my baby wasn’t fully formed, he was always a person to me. I named him Nakoah which means protector, and I call him a he because from the moment I found out about him I had a feeling that he was a boy. It took losing my first child to realize that the only thing I’ve ever wanted in this life was to be a mother. Now it feels like I might never get the chance.