Forgiveness

@FangsInsanity This may be useful for you. As you are right, for a lot of people -- part of healing means being able to forgive.

https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/nine_steps_to_forgiveness

@FangsInsanity

Hi Fang, I found that the more angry unforgiving and bitter I became, the more cold/hard hearted I became. Forgiveness is a process, for some it can happen straight away. For others it is a slow process, until that release comes. One of the things that I had to do was to stop thinking about the people or person that hurt me. I was constantly running over things in your mind, that person was always there. As a result the feelings of anger and unforgiveness remained. It was like rewinding and playing back a video in my head, again and again. Have you heard of the phrase "what wolf are you feeding"? Good food makes you healthy bad food can make you sick! Likewise if I constantly feed on the perpetrators, the betrayer etc sooner or later it's going to make me feel sick! So my first step in forgiving, was trying not to think about the person and what they have done to me CONSTANTLY.

Of course you will think about past pains and hurts, that is a normal and natural thing to do. However, I constantly thought about this until bitterness took over. I also realised that my unforgiveness was not hurting that person. That person was getting on with their lives, probably oblivious to my pain. I finally realised that forgiveness would bring healing to me, helping me to let go of the past. Unforgiveness will always trap you in the past. Although forgiving others is a difficult process, it can be a powerful tool in your recovery.

There is also a power in "self forgiveness". I blamed myself for alot of things, and had to forgive myself. Sometimes this can be just as hard as forgiving those that have hurt you!

@FangsInsanity

I think deppends on the person. Some people just want to let go and forgive. Personally I could never forgive them

@FangsInsanity -

I've read a lot about forgiveness, and echo what other people have said and appreciate all of the tips. I also wanted to add a couple things. The most important thing I have learned in my studies is: forgiving others is for our benefit, not theirs. There's also an interactive self-help guide about forgiveness on 7cups: https://7cups.com/forgiveness/lesson1.html. Finally, similar to what @wizeakre said, it becomes easy to pity those people when we really think about it. Those people who wounded us deeply, got away with it, and never apologized or even admitted what happened -- those people lead lonely, empty, dishonest lives (at minimum, they are lying about their impact on us). Their friends and family stick by those people under false pretenses, and likely wouldn't support them if they knew The Truth. Even if they live and die quite happily, their perceived happiness is itself a lie by omission. Somewhere, deep down, those people know The Truth too, and they have to live with it. This line of thinking might not work for everyone, but it has helped me a little. It's obviously far from an ideal situation. It's not the legal kind of justice, but it does feel like a kind of justice. Those people will never experience the kind of honest life many of us survivors are striving toward.

I'm still struggling with forgiveness too. We'll get there when we get there.

Thanks for starting this awesome thread!