Forgiving my abuser
For over 6 years of my childhood I was being physically, mentally, and sexually abused by a man who I believed was my father. But even after we got away from him, he still had this control over me. My anxiety and PTSD were taking over my life. I finally realized that forgiveness was the only thing that
@Forgivingwarrior6 Thank you for sharing your words of hope and for sharing your experiences. Forgiveness is a big issue for trauma survivors and the most important forgiveness any Survivor can do, is forgiving themselves. We are actually covering the topic of forgiveness in the future in our support sessions for anyone who wishes to come along to these when they are being run 
@dancingRainbow45 I am definitely interested!
@dancingRainbow45
I need that too
@dancingRainbow45
Self-forgiveness is a powerful step you can take to rid yourself of debilitating shame and guilt because if you still blame yourselves and feel shame about any aspect of your traumatic experience, you have not forgiven yourself for being vulnerable, for being unable to prevent what happened to you, for not fighting back, for being so ridden with fear, you said nothing or even complied in an event that you had no choice in, for having turned to more unhealthy ways of coping and so on. This is particularly true for those who have been abused, but it applies to everyone. Self-forgiveness is essential if we wish to become emotionally healthy and have peace of mind. The more shame you heal, the more you will be able to see yourself more clearly, warts and all. You will be able to recognize and admit how you have harmed yourself and others eg through not trusting pushing people away or sabotaging your relationships, for lashing out emotionally towards others that did not deserve or cause your anger etc. Your relationships with others will change and deepen. More importantly, your relationship with yourself will improve.
Self-Compassion is the antidote to shame. Self-compassion acts to neutralise the shame. Self-forgiveness is an important aspect of self-compassion. It acts to soothe our body, mind and soul of the pain caused by shame and facilitates the overall healing process. Negative self-judgment and self-blaming can actually act as an obstacle to self-improvement. The more shame you feel about your past actions and behaviours, the more your self-esteem is lowered and the less likely it is you will feel motivated to change. And without self-forgiveness your level of shame will cause you to defend yourself from taking on more shame by refusing to see your faults and not being open to criticism or correction.
In some cases, self-forgiveness decreases forgiveness for others. In our efforts to protect and forgive abusers, we blame ourselves for the trauma eg abuse. When we can forgive ourselves for being vulnerable, trusting, or simply finding ourselves in the vicinity of an abuser, we may feel less forgiving of the person choosing abusive behaviour, at least for a while.
You could forgive your body for being too fat, too thin, too strong, too weak, too much of this and not enough of that and exactly the body it is right now. You could forgive your body for being sensitive to some things and insensitive to others. You could forgive your body for remembering trauma and reminding you with symptoms.
Self forgiveness could be forgiving themselves for blaming themselves and beating themselves up, for reacting in ways such as pushing away people they care about, for having reacted physically to trauma through abuse, which bodies do naturally, or having wished harmful thoughts on their abusers, for having been made to harm others, for having not fought back, for not having run away, for having not told anyone - the list is endless
If you continue to find yourself resisting forgiving yourself, ask yourself this question. Why wouldnt I want to forgive myself? If your answer is I dont deserve it, that is your shame talking. If you are still feeling like you dont deserve forgiveness, perhaps you believe you need to earn it in some way because of the traumatic experiences you were subjected to and how these events left you feeling about yourselves.
In effect, what forgiveness does is release you from spending the rest of your life holding a grudge that both consciously and subconsciously can gnaw away at you, about others who have harmed you, or towards yourselves.
"Forgiveness is part of healing. It is not a prerequisite to healing. It is a point we reach when we understand and accept the truth about what happened to us from a position of emotional neutrality without the pain, blame and shame that our abusers shadowed on us" Evelyn Ryan
@Forgivingwarrior6
I agree with being able to forgive yet I struggle with silent anger with preditors too numerous to count by hand Some are dead and gone leaving me with the bitter taste of rage unsought. I strive to forgive yet I sigh with each breath I take, then I cry.
@scarletPear1945 its different for everyone, but its just important to remember that it is for you, not for the abuser
@Forgivingwarrior6
Thanks for reminding me, and yet It's so darn hard
@scarletPear1945 its ok scarlet, don't let the evils in your world rule you. From what i have seen so far, you are a beautiful soul. Forgiving or not it doesnt matter. that is how i see you. A beautiful soul.
@PerfectStorm426
thanks so much. Flashbacks just jumping out at me as I struggle for grounding. Tears flowing like faucets open. I know this season is like treasons unfolding this Christmas season. Lots of pain and surfacing crap. I know I am safe, I know it's not happening now yet it's here
@scarletPear1945 i think i understand. Ur gonna be alright. Let the hurt flow with every tear till its subsides. What i used to tell my girl is "i got ur hand". Well, i got urs. Let it out. A good cry never hurt anyone. Hell i may cry wit ya here in a sec...
@PerfectStorm426
@scarletPear1945. Right back atcha ❤️.
@Forgivingwarrior6 i don't mean to pry, maybe it is not my place and I am sorry if I am wrong because i very well could be... could you elaborate more on the "forgiving themselves" part? I myself am in love with woman who is emotionally abused. How can one forgive themselves if they in fact did nothing wrong? It doesn't make sense to me. Either u or rainbow. Me outside looking in, thinks you may end up with some confusion. I am sure you are based on well known fact. But i myself am trying to learn as well. And i am sorry if i am in the way. I seen scarlet with tears and jumped in the middle. Maybe i missed something? But i would like to learn. Thank you for your time.
@PerfectStorm426
They say rape and incest is assault without consent. Forgiving themselves in my case was because it became my only way of life fromage4 I had to consent to the abuse or lose my life and in I gave consent so My dad would let me go out to play or buy me a toy or even just to go to church I had to give him THE BIG FAVOR . Or be a prisoner in my home so I fault myself for some of the abuse. Even though they say it is not my fault.
@scarletPear1945. Thank you very much for clarifying... tho u didnt have to.. i see what u are saying. Certain instances may cause one to do so. My bad for walking in the middle of it. But do stay strong and know that i still support ya. I am behind everyone. But u pop up quite often. U made some big steps this week from what i have seen. U are a great person Scarlet. I am here should u ever need anything. Huggies :)
@scarletPear1945 guess i will clarify my end of it. The woman i love. Have loved for 25 years in secret had been cheated on by her husband. After having a kiddo. He and his whole family use fear tactics on her. To this day, years later. She stays. She didnt do anything wrong, thats why i asked about the firgiveness. I didnt think that far into the different types. Again my bad. My anxiety makes me jump to stuff really fast without thinking, thats why my girl dont talk to me no more. U would think i would learn. But thanks to all. Stay strong. Tail between my legs as i back into the shadows....
@PerfectStorm426
You are all right with asking and I will tell you a bit about what you are feeling when I regroup.
I'll get back
@PerfectStorm426 no need to apologize, I prefer when people ask these questions because it is something that shouldn
@Forgivingwarrior6. Thank you very much for clarifying. I am just trying to learn and understand. Like i said earlier, someone i care about very deeply is going through this. So i figured while i was here trying to get through my stuff that maybe i could learn and understand other matters not directly pertinent to myself, but an indirerect cause of what I am going through. I hope that knowledge can help me someday understand her better. And again. I truely thank you. And sorry i jumped in like i did. I meant no disrespect. Just trying to understand.
@PerfectStorm426 Pls see above for more elaboration on self forgiveness
Hi Forgiving. I understand what you mean by forgiving your oppressors and receiving freedom in return. As a young adult, I forgave my family for what they did to me. But I didn't forgive myself. I didn't know that was even a thing to do. I became sick, mentally and physically, because I didn't believe I was worth anything to anybody. I knew that I still loved my family but I HATED MYSELF. I was guilty for hurting my family when I finally told what happened to me. I was ashamed of myself for falling into my oppressors trap so many times for so long. None of my relationships worked at all and I was angry about the cards I was dealt.
But I had forgiven every one else but me. I'd like to say how forgiving myself has worked out but I'm still going through the process. It's painful but absolutely necessary. ❤️
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