Getting it off my chest and out of my head.

Warning : very long post.

Lets put that in words. Ive never really shared or talked about this so thank you 7cups for giving me a platform to get this out of me. Because it's depressing to go back there and I don't really have anyone to share all these thoughts. We never even mention this at home, let alone outside. i think relatives and friends think it would hurt us to talk about it, or they think we are over it as it's been 8 years. Well, we are clearly not. Its tough to mention her without feeling like someone stabbed a knife in my chest.

When I was 13 years old, I remember we had a poem in Marathi language: swami tinhi jagacha, aai vina bhikari (though king of three worlds, is a homeless without mother). One day, my mummy was driving me to school. During the ride, I remembered that poem and was thinking 'how sad that must be, being without mother'. I looked at mom, 'I am so lucky to have my mummy' and hugged her quickly and went to school.

We weren't very rich back then we were making progress. My mummy was more of a parent and she cared and loved me a lot so I was very close to her.

Then came my 14th birthday. My mummy promised to buy me a watch. After few days, my parents were discussing (read arguing) about decorating a corner near bathroom. My father was against it 'cause it was pricey and because "it might make the passage narrower". They always fought and gave each other threats of suicide and abandoning the house. My elder sister didn't care much. It was normal for us. My mummy still went and bought the needed things like new sink, tiles, etc with her own savings. My father was still not supporting it.
But one day, their fights went higher than usual. I woke up that day, hearing them fight but with more intensity. We knew it was one of those fights where we might have to call my uncles if it got worse. My father had to leave soon for work. We all knew we can't leave mom alone at home (she had made suicide attempts before). Before leaving, dad told us to look after her and not to leave her alone. My sister said that she'll stay at home so I got ready for school. I was having lunch but with all the tension, I was very scared and couldn't eat after two-three bits. When my mom saw my half eaten plate, she complained why I didn't finish it. Thats the last time I spoke to her. I told her that I wasn't really hungry. After my sister told me not to worry, I left for school.

I just wanted to escape those worries, it was scary. In school, I forgot everything about it.

At my way home, I thought everything would be fine by now, it always does. But my driver got a call. He asked if I was going somewhere. I answered no why. He said that my mom called and asked when are we reaching home? I was relieved to hear that she's fine but also stressed. "Not again all that raging", I thought. "But what if mom is moving out or something? She looked determined when I left". At that point, we were almost there. I could see my apartment. But there were people around it. "Why is there crowd?" at that moment, my brain shut down. I was just seeing, no thoughts, no assumptions, nothing. A friend of my uncle came near me, took my bag and led me towards my apartment. Everyone was looking at me. I asked him what happened but he didn't reply. The moment I entered the gate my father and sister came out hugged me tight. They were crying. I caught a glimpse of ambulance. That means it is treated! Another good sign. But why are they crying? Then someone pulled me back and was taking me upstairs. I didn't wanted to go. I resisted but no use. The main door was wide open and there she was. I knew it was her before her face was uncovered.

Her dead body was lying there. I fell before her and someone removed the cover from her face. I don't remember her face but her eyes were open a little, staring right at me. I will never forget that.

Its so painful to write it...everything else is blur..

Came to know, she hanged herself to fan in our room at around 4 pm. I got back home at 6. My sister insisted to stay at home and not go to college but my mom somehow forced her to go. She still came as soon as possible but was probably late. At this date, I don't know the exact details like what happened after my sis came home, when my dad came, how the doors were opened, etc. I want to know but don't have the courage to ask and it's useless anyway. Definitely not worth the pain of bringing it up again.

After that, my dad was mostly depressed. As the result all the responsibilities of home and me fell on my sister who was only 20 years old. Dad retired after few years, my sis completed her master's but stupidly enough didn't look for job but stayed at home because her job would be in another city. My dad never took any responsibility at home and after he admitted in hospital for high BP, he became more weak and scared. I became the stupid, careless kid. With each grade my score went lower and lower. Every time my dad said now you don't have anyone to teach you a lesson or to beat you. What he didn't know that I didn't need beating, I needed my mom and her love. Her place in my life wasn't just to beat me or teach me a lesson; she also showered me with her unconditional love and understood me the most. She used to make me understand things in a loving, motherly way. I hated my dad. I still do. I blamed him for her death. (But never said loud) now I hate him because he never took the responsibilities of home. He pushed it all on my sister, after her moving out he's hoping I will do the same. He has all the time after retirement but never once did he cooked a meal for us without him needed to do that. It was also my sister's job to look after me. He just doesnt want to deal with me.

It has become hell from heaven. Its so suffocating that sometimes I don't want to return. God knows how I can't wait to get out of here. Every time we argue, I say to myself that it's his house, you don't really have a right to say. Its no longer a home to me. I dream of a home of mine, every single day. I feel like an unwanted burden on them. When mom was alive, she was in my side. Were a team and my dad and sister were together another team. Its still the same but now I feel alone. Every time they both are on one side and Im on my own. I was very close to her and she was the only one who understood me and never left my side.

Ive become quieter and mostly stay lost in my thoughts. Recently I started writing here, on 7cups and other apps anonymously about my feelings. It helps a bit. Whenever I feel too overwhelmed with emotions I write it down. It would be better if I talked about it with real human beings but I don't have anyone that close and I don't trust people enough to share it with telling my true identity. I know I will regret if I do that. So I just write anonymously.

If you did read this till end, thank you. Advice, questions and, if you can, help is always welcome.