Getting my mother out of my head.

My mother ended her life last January.
My brother and I were in the room next door. We heard it and broke through the door after what felt like an eternity kicking and banging on it.
The first thing I did when I saw what she had done was cover my brother's eyes and turn him against what was in front of us. I'm sure that he still saw everything. For some reason I don't understand and will probably never understand, I didn't look away.

That image of what my mother did is everywhere I look since then. It's there when I close my eyes, on the food, on the floor, in the dark before I turn on the lights, but also when I turn them on. I smell it, I hear it... it's disgusting and exhausting.

I'm so angry and disgusted with her. I almost want to forget her entirely. The level of selfishness in doing what she did while we were only one paper thin wall away, knowing that it was going to be us who saw her first... it's staggering.

I need her to leave my heart and my head. The memory of what happened in January 5th is everywhere, and it's driving me insane. I have vomited and cried, and screamed every time that image shows up, and it won't stop.