Hi. TW death, abortion talk, and PPD

Coming up on the anniversary of my moms death. The worst moments of my life were watching her rapidly deteriorating before my eyes. From being my young, funny, beautiful mother, to someone who couldn't even walk in a matter of days. I'm still so messed up about it, the details swirl around in my brain weighing me down, whenever I feel like being happy.
The day before she died I found out I was pregnant again. I shared it with her, but she was already too far gone, I don't think she knew what I was saying.
After she died, people started telling me they were happy for me. Happy I was pregnant, when my mom just died. Happy to them it seemed like my mother's death was making way for new life.
This planted seeds in my head, even though it wasn't rational, that she died because I got pregnant, like some weird trade off of souls. I didn't want the baby, I just wanted my mom. I contemplated abortion for a long time. I was terrified to make the decision, I used to wipe and pray to bleed, so I wouldn't have to decide. Eventually, I choose not to, but it was more that I chose to ignore the issue, rather than made an actual decision on the matter. I was so messed up from my own mothers death, I couldn't tell if my negative feelings were toward pregnancy or my mom. I couldn't separate my feelings.
I barely remember being pregnant, I was so disconnected from it, and also raising a toddler.
4 weeks before I would end up giving birth (and 5 days before Christmas) I found out my husband was cheating on me. He upped and moved across the country, leaving me pregnant and with our toddler.
I moved in with my dad and ended up giving birth to a baby boy. I was so disconnected to my pregnancy that my first words when I saw him were "omg it's a human. It's a human and it's alive." 😂

after I got back to my dads he kicked me out for "sitting on my ass all day" (I was nursing!) my son was 2 weeks old at the time. I took the three of us to a women's shelter and spent an entire month there with a two year old and a newborn.
I finally found a place, things finally started to relax. Expect, they didn't. I couldn't bond with my baby. It felt like my moms death, my husbands, and dads betrayal had torn my heart into too many pieces to love anyone except my older daughter. I was never mean to the baby, but I just didn't feel any love towards him at all. I even almost changed his name at one point in attempt to help a bond grow. I didn't like him. I would hide in the bathroom when he had colic, turn on the taps so I wouldn't hear and cry on the floor.
thinking back to this time gives me so much stress. I can't even look at photos without having a panic attack knowing how I felt.
I remember the first time I looked at him and smiled and though "I like you" he was 7 months. It took 7 months for me to like my baby. And at 8 months when I finally felt love towards him.
I'm so scared I messed him up from these early days everyone says are so important. He's 3 now, and my entire world. But he gets really aggressive sometimes, more than his sister ever did, and I'm terrified I did that to him when my negitive feelings during pregnancy and babyhood. :(