Horror and Hope

I work in public service and spend my time focused on the needs of others. My hours are long, the work is hard, and sometimes dangerous, but it is all I want to do with my life. I dont ever feel like I am off duty and find it difficult to consider myself. Even here, in anonymity, I hesitate. I dont want to burden the sick and recovering. I dont want to detrimentally affect the mental health of people who are well. My problems seem tedious compared to those I serve every day and I feel guilty for not being grateful my life wasnt worse. Most days, almost all of them, are satisfactory and rewarding but sometimes my concentration lapses. It could be anything; a smell, a news story, chatter at work, and suddenly I am vulnerable again. Suddenly I am shaking, unable to speak, and struggling the breathe normally. And then Im angry.... At the monster who was my waking nightmare. At myself for allowing a predator to continue to prey on me. At my family for allowing this to go unpunished. So much anger. And finally sadness sets in, tinged with anxiety. Im a parent now and since becoming one, have lived in a constant state of vigilance. The need to protect, love, and respect is so strong. I want my child to have a better life; to walk in confidence, fearlessness, and happiness. I never want her to have to retreat to the nearest empty room to calm down and remind herself the boogey man is gone.