I Got Better
Things didnt necessarily get better or easier but I got better. Im really proud of how much ive grown and worked for.
As always its scary to be like "im doing great now" bc ofcourse then i fear it will end
But i started writing the good parts
Things are getting a little freer
Change is defintely coming
But i got parts of myself back that were taken from me and im giving myself a good life.
I will always want to do everything i can to give my loved ones a good life as well
Anyways its the post below
Last year I learned how to move on and made myself actively try to not put a lot of my mental/emotional energy into people who are not worth it
Im actually really proud of myself for that. Its still not the most fun to be single but i would much rather be like this than in a toxic or just not fufilling relationship
Ive given myself space, ive put out boundaries, ive defended
myself and "put myself out there" emotionally sometimes in a big way (one time but still) ive been rejected but not devastated by it
I dropped people who were bad for me, i sometimes actually like myself
These past 4 or so days of 2019 ive done things that id never thought id be able to do,
(major public speaking, schmoozing important people, forgiving past abusers, standing up to loved ones, actually eating a decent livable amount of food a day, being vulnerable and strong, sharing my art)
I know it may not seem like a lot but to be able to get up, put on an outfit/makeup that draws attention to myself (in a good way), go to events, make speeches, mingle with new people, even make polite conversation with a waiter/waitress, pay my own way, not be afraid but thrive..
Maybe those are things everyone assumed they would do but sometimes i never thought i would make it out of here, or be alive now. I felt trapped in the abusive situations and mindsets they left me with where i thought i didnt deserve to have a voice, that no one cared what i thought/wanted or believed me, if ppl appreciated my appearance it wasnt good it was always a motive to hurt me
But i believe now what someone told me when she said i have power
I actually do, over myself, for the most part who im in a relationship with, i can persuade and argue and make peace
Its amazing and a bit scary some people feel like that all the time thats way too much power thats like the abusers mindset that they own everhthing
But i do own my own life. I own my body. My brain and my heart too.
@wittySpruce8187 Thank you so much for sharing. This gives me so much hope because I'm crawling out of a dark place as well. I'm proud of myself for the little things like showering and going to work. Your post reminded me to congratulate myself for these things. I'm glad you are feeling better.
@CheshireCat7
(((: yay im glad it gives you hope!!
💜
And proud of you too
https://www.buzzfeed.com/gyanyankovich/tiny-life-changing-habits-2018
This was helpful
Just for in general 2019 motivation
I'm re reading this as a just made a post in another community about relationships
There were actually 2 times I put myself out there both times took a lot of guts and grace
Things are kind of looking up as of today
I still have a depressed lull most of the time and intense fear of failure or something that makes me procrastinate
But I made it here
I realized as my self worth has increased, even if I still have a critical depressed inner monologue, like my core belief in myself has increased and I see myself as a human who deserves love and respect
The more that the more I've been able to have better relationships, better conversations, somewhat emotional intimacy
I don't think it's bc when I was younger I didn't deserve that good relationship or I wasn't trying hard enough or anything
I think I was afraid of a lot of things very understandably given my past and it made me miss out on a lot of great people and times
I'm getting some of those back now and it's amazing
