I don't have PTSD, I have TSD. Big Rant, very sorry, you don't have to read; I just want to vent somewhere.
****************Trigger warning**************proceed with caution
I can't vent anywhere else without the possibility of my parents finding out. You don't have to read all of this or leave a comment, but I think it'd be nice if you did. You don't have to.
It's really hard trying to go through PTSD recovery methods when I live with my abusive parents.
Coping always winds up culminating into a huge anxiety attack/nervous breakdown.
What can I even do when everyday, I roll for the probability of "Please Don't Let my Parents Be Awful to Me Today".
It's hard because I have to take care and watch over my younger brother too. I can barely care for myself. Today I was awful, I was so tired from school that I kept ignoring his request to be fed lunch. (Although I did try to reheat and make pizza for him around 1pm, but my grandma came and insisted we eat a sub she bought from subway and wouldn't let me do anything in the kitchen, and since neither my brother and I like subs, I didn't eat and he didn't eat. He asked me again later for food, but I was in the middle of napping and really frustrated about being disturbed. So he didn't get lunch today.)
I'm awful to my brother most of the time. I don't want to be. The way I treat him is a straight-up reflection of how my father treats me. It's really hard not to be awful, so I try to just ignore my brother and not be around him. But since he's a 10-year-old with no sense of boundaries, he keeps intruding and I can't and I snap. Sometimes I feel like giving him a severe beating, but I know it's wrong. But that's the only way I learned how from my dad. I've done a lot of abusive things to my brother...I once tried to smother him with a pillow as a toddler because I was so tired and stressed and I was trying to put him to sleep so I could go back to work but he didn't and I held down a pillow to his face, but I stopped because I really don't want to kill my brother. I love him, but I was having a rough time in beginning high school and I just didn't have the capability to look after a 2 year old when I couldn't even look after myself.
High school was rough because all that childhood trauma just came back, paired up with depression. I did not have ANY treatment whatsoever during this period. In fact, I didn't get treatment until I freaked out and sabotaged myself during my dental hygiene program. There was a therapist they started to hire around that time, and she gave me a plan to fix myself, but it took a while for my parents to even understand that I wasn't mentally capable to finish the program. When I quit I was just so relieved. I didn't really want to take that program, but my parents made me when none of the university/college programs they wanted me in didn't accept me. that school. It was a privatized college and it sucked. I tried to be good in the beginning, but I felt like it wasn't rewarding to get good grades or make an effort. So I stopped trying. Oh my, the gossip mavens country girls can be. It's none of their business, but telling the program director and other students that I'm just lazy and tired from staying up and gaming? That's rude. That period of time was actually the time I played games the least in my whole life. It just happens that I have one of the crappiest depression side-effects: excessive tiredness and lack of energy. It almost borders on idiopathic narcolepsy (I scared away my driving teacher because I was passing out at the wheel. Out of stress). I took so many sleep tests for my parents to try to figure out what was wrong.
All those sleeping tests and doctor appointment bookings were a waste of time. But I was hoping, maybe I have narcolepsy, maybe then people will leave me alone when I pass out and not talk rubbish, maybe then I could get treatment for narcolepsy and everything will be better. But I don't have narcolepsy. I have depression. And complex PTSD. That wasn't acceptable for anyone. For all the lip service the school instructors said about how people with depression have a hard time, the moment they have a (very clearly) depressed student, all that shit about being understanding went out the window (and into the dumpster. and the dumpster got set on fire.).
Telling my father about depression was one of the hardest things I ever did. He started screaming (I don't remember what he started off with, but it soon devolved into "WHY ARE YOU CRYING WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, etc."). I even crawled to the basement and hid under furniture, but he found me and still continued yelling the same thing (WHY ARE YOU CRYING, IM JUST TRYING TO TALK TO YOU, YOU MUST REALLY HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, GO TAKE YOUR MEDICATION NOW). I took a double dose so that'd he'd stop. I...don't like remembering this. But I have to. It just proves why I shouldn't tell my abusive parents about why I'm sick (unless I really want that some abuse, mhm ,yep, absolutely). The funny thing is, they're always asking, "Why don't you tell us anything?Tell us what's wrong." (I tried. It was a mistake, evidently.)
I'm not sure why I'm doing this when I should be studying for exams tomorrow. How does one study two weeks in advance and still not remember or understand anything? Neuroplasticity damage sucks.
Edited by dancingRainbow45 on 21/04/17 Trigger warning put into message, and two inappropriate words removed.
@RubbishNobody Thank you for sharing all of what you have. How did it feel for you to share all of this, and have you ever been able to share any of this in any way with anyone before now? What made you finally be able to express this here? Has there been something recently that has led you to start looking for support?
You say you are still living with your abusive parents and are having to care for a younger sibling but from the sounds of it, coping with your own trauma and having to care for your brother is beginning to take its toll. I hear that you love your brother even though you have found yourself in very difficult situations with him, resulting in your spending less time around him. Obviously you must have been in a really bad place to contemplate hurting your brother, and yes sometimes when someone only knows abuse, this can make their behaviour sometimes inappropriate but from your post it sounds to me as though you have the self awareness to know what it wasnt okay to want to smother your brother, and you know its not okay that both of you are going hungary and are having to live in a stressful and abusive environment. I wonder if you have thought too about the possible impact that this could have on your brother as he grows older, as it has done on you? I wonder if you have thought about what your options could be with regards remaining in this situation or perhaps trying to consider moving out or getting the support of an agency involved to get support for your family? I dont know if your still at school or have a job but have you considered trying to find somewhere to live, perhaqps being the carer for your sibling if you get support for you both>?
I think its very difficult to cope with the impact of trauma when this is still ongoing. There are ways you can learn to control anger more effectively so it doesnt hurt you or anyone else and there are options for trying to get emotions out in a healthy way. You mention that your parents are abusive and yet your parents were okay with you having therapy? Did you feel the therapy you had was of any use to you whatsoever?
Perhaps when things start to feel difficult for you in the situation your in, if its safe for you to do so, perhaps you may like to consider talking to a listener here who can support you in exploring the options available to you to get some support to cope with this situation and to begin to heal from the effects of it? I wonder too if you have thought about talking with your doctor to see if there is anything they could do to support you?
@dancingRainbow45
Thanks for your comment. I actually only recieved therapy because I had a large breakdown during my first college and the administration decided to remove me from lab settings. It became pretty clear to my parents that I was malfunctioning, so when the school started hiring an occasional onsite therapist, I had to go. My parents didn't really understand what therapy was for, they just wanted me to function again and continue with school to completion. I had to stop because 100$ every week was too expensive and my parents told me to stop. Therapy was okay, but it was leaving that program and starting my new one that helped the most.
As for leaving...I've been rendered pretty dependent on my parents. I have no idea how to even manage finances or taxes, so moving out and taking my brother seems really daunting and almost impossible. I'm waiting to complete my current diploma and getting a job before i do that. Again, thanks for your support.
@RubbishNobody
Hi there,
How are you feeling today? You shared such a open response to all of us and we all appreciate your honesty. It sounds like you've had such a difficult time lately having to cope with family life and your previous trauma from your father. Would you like to tell us more about this? It sounds like your brother almost triggers your feelings of anger of the abuse you experienced as a child... is this how it is for you?
It sounds like you're also struggling what to do. Would you like to tell us more about you?
Lisa
@OceanCounselling
Hit the nail on the head with this. My brother actually has more leniency than I did when I was a child. Instead of being authoritarian, my parents don't give my brother any structure at all. So when he gets out of line, there's a pretty intense feeling of needing to put him back into place (violently). I know this is just a leftover from the way my father used to discipline me but it's almost like my brain doesn't know what else to do. Frustrating because I know its wrong, frustating because I don't know what the right thing to do is. The only middle ground I have is ignoring.
Thanks for your kind concern and taking the time to comment.
@RubbishNobody
Hey there, thankyou for sharing that with us. It does take a lot of courage to open up. I know that because I can barely open up to people I've known for years.
Some things you mentioned resonate with me as well. I do have a younger sibling with no boundaries and who gets on my nerves a lot... by a lot, I mean a lot. I love her nervertheless. I deal with that by just getting her whatever she needs at that moment and then going back to whatever I'm doing... she doesn't let me off the hook until then. Sometimes it's too much and I just kind of raise my voice and ask her to leave me alone... it doesn't always work. And I'm just left with a lot of guilt that I'm not a good sister to her.
But you know what, you're doing everything you can in your situation to help both yourself and your brother... And when you find yourself getting too angry, just take a moment to stop and take a deep breath. At least it'll slow you down for just a tiny moment so you can think things through. It's hard to do that when you're angry, but it's worth a try.
And I know it's really hard to live with abusive parents. My parents aren't abusive but there are lots of issues with our relationship as well. I barely talk to them about my problems because earlier I felt they were never there to listen to me and it's hard for me to open up in general. Now when they ask me to open up, nothing comes out. The words you mentioned that your father spoke to you, I swear my dad says the same things to me a lot... when we're supposed to be having a 'discussion' about my career choices.
I've realised that for me, talking to people I trust helps a lot with my issues. Maybe you can find some solace from having healthy conversations with people as well, perhaps your therapist.
HUGS ... hope things get better for you 
@CrystalBlue2510
Thank you for your kind words! I'm feeling a bit better now. Finals week is over and now I am left cringing over every outburst I had. (Including the original post). Whoops. But thank you for reading and replying to my cringe rant, and I hope you are feeling well, too.
@RubbishNobody
Hey! You're welcome. Don't worry about the outbursts... I've had tons of cringe-worthy outbursts when I was stressed too. But then people helped me realize that it's okay to vent out when you're stressed. So it's perfectly alright to vent out.
Another round of tests begin tomorrow for me... so i'm not sure of how I'm feeling. But I am feeling better today than the past week. So... Thankyou.
Hope things turn out to be better for you.
And I'm really glad you're feeling better :)
Hugs :)
@RubbishNobody
Hey I just wanted to reply to show I had read your post and that I understand what you are going through, my parents were very similar to how you sound, and its very hard to look after a sibling in those circumstances. I am very close to my sister but I still have found it very hard to be there when she needs me when noone else was there for me.
I hope things get better and I hope the rant made you feel better, my parents are very religious and informed me the devil had taken over my soul when I told them I was having issues with depression, it can be hard when they want to know, but refuse to understand.
Wishing you the best! **many unthreatening hugs**
@Lilibuth12
Thank you for your response! It's hard when parents (coming from an older generation) don't seem to understand all these new fandangled psychology terms, since "it wasn't a thing during my age". (Well neither was the concept of the earth revolving around the sun before galileo's time but that doesn't mean it didn't exist.)