I don't know how to let this go (TW rape)

So two-three years ago when I was sixteen I was dating this girl who I won't name for obvious reasons. Everything was all fine and dandy until the first time things got sexual. I didn't want to, but I was afraid she would get upset or hurt me if I said no, so I just let it happened. This happened multiple times, and after we broke up I just thought it was sex I regretted but sex you regret doesn't hurt the way this does. I only realized it was rape this past spring, and I have absolutely no real outlet. I have sympathetic friends but they don't really understand just how much this limits my life and personal relationships. Some days I'll be fine and some days it will feel like I'm re living those moments over and over again. I just kind of wanted to get this story out there because rape is not always violent and it does not always hurt physically.