I have a box...

I have a box that I keep my childhood in. It contains memories that I don't want. Out of sight, out of mind. That was my motto, guess it still is.

I am an only child, when I was younger I used to wish for a sibling just to have someone on my side. Now that I'm older I'm thankful that I was an only child. I grew up in an abusive home. They keep themselves cleverly disguised as normal people. There are 2 faces, one they show others and one that is reserved for me and me alone. I tried to expose them when I was in school but they lied and denied and I ended up being the one , a troubled problem child. So I had no one, so out of sight, out of mind.

I left home as soon as I could, I moved almost 2000 miles away. I was ok, you know. Maybe not happy but I felt ok. Yes I keep to myself, yes I don't trust anyone, yes there are times when I can't explain why I'm angry or nervous or afraid. I have a hard time talking to people. I have moments when I'm impulsive. I do not like to be touched. I take things out on myself.

Alittle over 2 yrs ago The Red Queen (I have called her this for as long as I remember) remarried and moved about 2 hours from me. The first time she showed up was about 2 months ago. The visit ended with the police coming. She called them and said that I threatened her and myself. Which yes I did threaten her, with the police. I made no threat to myself. The last time she was here was about month ago. She went through my house and came out to where I was working. I stood there like a kid again and took what she dished out. Since then, I seem to be losing, myself, my control. My sanctuary has been invaded. I have been restless, agitated, angry, depressed, anxious. I can't sleep. Last week I had an impulse and ended up hurting myself that I needed outside help. I had to talk to people and be touched.This does not work for me. Since then I had some anger towards myself for being so stupidly impulsive. But 2 days later I noticed something. I felt quiet, just quiet. a little anxiety but nothing else, no anger, no voice in my head, just nothing. I realized last night that it's emptiness. I feel empty and I have no idea what it means. Or what do with it.