I haven't talked to anyone about this

I feel kind of weird sharing this, because it involves a person that I love very much.

But i have been dealing with the after-effects of my partner's trauma brushing up against my own. We have had opposite upbringings, both that were really unhealthy for us. I hadn't realized the extent of my partner's trauma till we started living together. But now, it's coming out in strange ways, and we do have a lot of arguments because of miscommunications, or accidentally triggering each other.

and we are able to work things out fairly often, but it's a process. We have roommates, and the walls are kind of thin, so i'm always worried about them overhearing us and thinking that we are abusing each other, when in reality our talks can be hard but ultimately they are rewarding and we work through some rough stuff together.

And sometimes it gets really intense before it gets better. My partner gets really defensive and uncooperative for a while, and when they get overwhelmed they have the impulse to harm themselves. This is something they have been struggling with separate from me, but i always worry that someone is going to overhear us and think something bad. I think we are doing pretty well with each other and we are making a lot of good progress with our talks. We both are going to therapy. There's a long way to go. And sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes the stress leaves residue for a little while. but ultimately we both want the same things. we want to be understood and we love each other.

my partner is a little newer to the concepts of mental health and therapy, and sometimes they don't trust the things that i have learned in my journey. sometimes concepts that feel intrinsic to me feel foreign to them, and we have to work to find some common ground.

I have been in some abusive relationships before and i feel like if i tried to talk to people about this, that they would think that this was another one of those. but i can feel the difference so starkly. it's just hard sometimes.

and i feel reluctant to vent about it to others, both for fear of what they might think, but also because i don't want to feel like i'm being mean. Sometimes it gets heavy to be the person taking care of the emotions of another person while i'm hurting (for reasons that are not associated with my partner). Sometimes it does feel like a burden, one that i am totally willing to take on. because i know what it's like to go through this alone and i don't want that for them. but also there's no one taking care of me, because my partner doesn't have the skills or understanding to do that for me. so sometimes it feels like i'm doing double work. And i don't blame them at all for this. There are things that people are ready for, and things they have to learn to do.

Ultimately, i am happy to do the work. i just need some help myself sometimes too. I'm tired.