I'm not entirely sure I survived this.
I'm going to start from the end before I go back to the beginning. The end (as of now) is that it doesn't even feel right to call myself a survivor, because it barely feels like I survived.
My evaluation of myself right now, past the trauma, free of threat, is that I'm alright. Not happy, not healthy, but alright. I'm financially independent, in decent physical health, and not engaging in any particularly harmful activities. The bone-chilling nightmares and violent semi-hallucinations are gone. I have no significant dependencies.
Here's my issue. A year ago, I met someone, and we became very close, and they've (lovingly) pointed out that I'm most likely not alright. I display multiple behaviours and thought patterns that indicate that I'm not alright. They don't like my explosive anger and how it feels like I don't care about anything but hurting others once I white out with rage. They don't like the violence and hatred of how I speak about my own body.
I think they're right. I missed it because I'm not the soft survivor or the strong survivor or even the slowly-making-progress survivor. I don't think I'm a survivor at all, in a way. Whoever I was meant to be was thoroughly murdered over the past 25 years and I'm what's left, something barely approximating a living human being, something piloting an arrangement of bones and flesh, some indistinct planetary object orbiting a blazing sun of pure anger.
It's like - it's like, you know Fantastic Beasts, the movie, and there was this thing about how if you hurt a child bad enough and make them keep all the magic in they end up creating this swirly dark mass of energy that goes out and makes a real wreck of things, and then it ends up killing the kid and Newt keeps one in his trunk or whatever? It's like that, I'm like that, I'm the swirly thing, except I would love to live in Newt's trunk with all the animals, but I don't, I'm just here and it's boring and sad all around.
I wish I had better words to describe what it's like. It's like my heart doesn't beat anymore, if it ever did.
Okay. Enough for now. Maybe next I will start from the beginning.
@yeyu " A year ago, I met someone, and we became very close" i dont know what this imples. but if it implies love, give it a chance. let them love you. do not run away from them.
@RainMann @I gotta admit I laughed, where did this come from? I barely mentioned the person but yeah, you actually hit the nail on the end, we've got a kind of relationship going on but I'm going to walk away from him in a year, and he knows this. That's just how it is sometimes. But that's just peripheral to everything else going on.
@yeyu i dont know what you laughed at because i dont see any joke in what you wrote or what i replied. reading your post reminds me of Sonia. if only i had been more gentle and more patient, i would still have been fortunate enought to bask in the light of her thoughts. i lost company of a beautiful mind because i didnt understand the extent of disease called depression. depression due to deprivation of love is so painful! i dont know about medications, but love is vital. if you found someone who loves you, i hope you hold on to them and not run away from love.