Just wanted somewhere to vent about myself.

Life feels fucking unfair. I want to be normal; I want to be someone that doesn’t have to take medication to feel normal. I want to grow. I want to pursue something without wanting to give up the second something goes slightly wrong. I want to be able to communicate in a stable, calm manner when I’m upset at my partner. I want to be able to feel good about who I am. I want to be someone else entirely.

I can’t help but feel like I was born wrong

or lesser than everyone else. There’s just something wrong with my existence. I can tell with the way my life has gone so far. My parents look at me with pity & disgust whenever my depression gets brought up. They view me as some lowly drug addict because I have to take antidepressants. I don’t have any friends because I learned that the ones I did have actually disliked me the entire time. I learned that it’s so easy to do things wrong when someone views you in a negative light. I learned that trying to be as invisible as you can doesn’t work when you’re just an unlikeable person.

I want the thoughts to stop - the urges, the guilt, the self-hatred. Writing all of this right now is extremely difficult because there’s so much pressure in my head right now from the sadness & frustration I’ve felt all day. I can’t think straight. can’t get the words out to express how terrible I’m feeling, but I’m trying.

I feel shitty, humiliated, inferior, problematic, and undeserving of it all. I hope that maybe one day I can stop being such a fucking disappointment. That one day I can be proud of myself and that my family can be proud of me too. The only way I cope with being depressed right now is by living in the future, but the catch to it is the anxiety I get from anticipating bad things happening.

meh. i’m done typing shit it’s not making me feel better i’m just criticizing how poorly written this entire thing was

i don’t write the same as i used to; maybe it’s the medication? or maybe i’ve just gotten dumber each day. who knows.