Layers

A Letter to You

This is really what I had on my mind today. I've been thinking about all the different ways I tried to talk to you over the years... between my words, tears, the way I would flinch when you'd move a certain way or seem quiet and despondent around you. I'll never really know what you thought, if you noticed, what it was that you saw. If you even felt anything.

It's bothered me for some time, not understanding how someone wouldn't care about someone they claimed to love, or if you did care how you could have done the things you did. Nowadays, I'm not sure it matters why anymore. You lost your right to be in my life. As many times as I've questioned that and felt shame over it, I'm slowly learning, and I'm more sure of it now than ever.

I wonder if you knew somehow that when I became a parent myself I would uncover your secrets. That I would suddenly realize those lines that shouldn't be crossed. Let's be honest - I always knew things didn't feel right, that you were doing wrong, but you got really good at making me empathize with you to disregard my own boundaries and needs. It was almost like an art for you, wasn't it? That perfect balance of getting your needs and wants met, making me question everything, and ensuring that you'd never be punished for it.

(Trigger Warning, maybe - describing anxious thoughts)

I remember that first letter I wrote you when I was small. I remember feeling bad because it was so many pages, wondering if you'd be annoyed or angry. I shook like a leaf when I wrote it in desperation. I debated over and over whether I should shred it. My heart raced and I could barely keep my breath as I placed it on your pillow. I waited nervously as the day went by, imagining all the worst case scenarios. Then, nothing. I didn't understand. While you were busy the next day, I checked your pillow. I looked under and around the bed to make sure it hadn't fallen or gotten stuck somehere. Surely you had seen it. I even put your name on the envelope. The silence was perhaps more frightening than the waiting. I knew you must be very mad. I waited for the consequence. Still nothing. It was as if nothing had happened. Nothing was worse; nothing was better.

After all these years, you've never once mentioned that letter to me. Was it, 20 years later you finally confirmed receiving it? But you wouldn't reveal any more than that. The pain I poured out to you. The things I asked you to please stop doing because they were hurting me. You tossed it aside and moved on, continuing with your objectives. I had already felt of little worth as a person at that young age, but somehow this sealed it in my mind. You were more important than me. Your comfort, embarrassment, selfishness, whatever it was... was more important than my suffering. It should have told me a lot about our relationship back then, but I wasn't equipped to understand such things. All I felt was an intense longing for you to love me. Craving that you would miraculously see and change. Now, all I feel is disgust for you and sorrow for that child.

I tried other times - which nowadays seems somewhat foolish - but back then it was just the same longing for unconditional love and basic safety. I never had the courage to tell you all the things I began to notice... the things I could start to see inside your head. But I found the voice to tell you how you hurt me physically. Eventually, you admitted it when the stakes were high. But you didn't have it in you to apologize... at least, not the kind where one says they were in the wrong or recognizes the damage they've done. I suppose all you felt you would provide was an explanation, that if it wasn't for "those people", that you were the real victim in all this. You must have thought that would relieve you from having to take responsibility for your own decisions. On some level, I accepted that back then, because I'd been so desperate for something (anything) from you. I made myself feel for your plight and help you through it. I told myself that you understood, that you really did care after all.

Then you continued on with things as they always were. As if you were absolved and your reasons deemed acceptable so you almost had permission now to do whatever you wanted. I remember that almost air of confidence and joy about you. I'm not sure I even fully grasp all the many ways that changed me.

When I left you the first time, after all those years and the aftermath, I tried again in a still-frightened attempt to tell you what you'd done. I knew I didn't tell you everything. I didn't want you to feel sad. But I still somehow knew that I was better off without you... even, that we were better off without each other. I was, after all in my attempts to heal myself, constantly reminding you that what you were doing was wrong. You already know how things went after that and why I shamed myself into coming back. The second (and last) time I left, I didn't even bother to explain anymore. I knew my words were meaningless to you, and so I simply told you never to contact me again. It told me a lot when you didn't even try to convince me not to. And have never changed your mind in all these years. Not that it would have mattered anyway. But I suppose the child in me still imagines.

I'm getting older now. I'm at a point in my life where I really don't need to still be holding onto my child mindset. You need to know everything. Or maybe I need to say everything.

First, you need to know that each thing you did wasn't some isolated incident to be forgiven and glossed over. Each one meant something and added on top of the others. You changed me. You altered the way my brain worked. Do you even understand how huge that is? You trained me - not to think - but to feel on the most fundamental levels of my self - that I was worthless and unloved and inherently bad. You gave me proof after proof to solidify this in my mind until it became my reality. You damaged me beyond repair. The bruises may have healed, but both my mind and body still remember everything. You affected the way I lived my life, the choices I made, the way I formed (or couldn't form/maintain) relationships. You made me see the world in a shadow, both from your words and your actions. I may have told you it was ok, because I didn't want you to feel bad, because I loved you. I may have backed down and told you that you weren't a bad mother when I was scared. But you didn't fix my thought processes by intimidating and manipulating me. Especially when I became aware and watched you do it. You completely warped my reality, and because of that I will never be the way I was meant to be when I first came into this world. I now have to create a life out of what I have become. However, I'm not bitter about that anymore. In some ways, I'm actually grateful for it. I actually like the way I am, despite it.

I forgive you for it all. But I choose to never forget.

So here's what I know. And it's important that you know as well so I can keep what's mine and release to you what was always and will ever be yours.................

- I know now that it was not my job to take care of you or anyone else. My job was to be a child, learn, have fun, enjoy life. I'm doing that now. And that's what I'm letting my children do. I'm raising myself and them together.

- I know now that you were always lying, and that you knew you were lying. When I caught you in one lie and you tried to cover it up with another lie, that's not a mistake. You knew exactly what you were doing and created a fortress of well-laid reasoning for yourself to justify it.

- I know now that I don't have to feel shame because of what you did. Those things are on you. You did not do them because of me, and they don't define who I am. They define who you are, because you made choice after choice to keep doing them and find reasons to keep doing them. I also don't need to feel ashamed for how people may look at me for leaving you. They don't understand, but that's not my fault, and it doesn't need to shape my decisions.

- I know now that just because other people couldn't/wouldn't stand up to you, that doesn't mean what you did was ok. I know that, just because you weren't caught, doesn't mean what you did was ok. I know that there were no possible excuses for it. I also know that if you had really felt remorse, you would have made some attempt to stop. Even if you couldn't stop, I would have been able to tell that you were trying.

- I know that it is possible to stop cycles. I know that we may be related by blood but that we are nothing alike.

- I know that you were not a good parent. I know what a good parent is and what that looks like - what it feels like. I know that a parent should feel something for their child, not just see them as a means to an end.

- I know that I can be a better parent and person because of what you did to me. I know that I have empathy, compassion, and understanding for others because of what you did. I know that I can take what you did and turn it into good. I'm willing to use my life for that. The cycle stops here.

- I know that I deserve more. That I deserved more. I am a decent person with good qualities and something to offer. You never did take that from me.

- I know that you will never change. I let that go to God. I don't need you anymore. But I still pray for you. I hope you can make something of this one life you've been given. Just as I have decided to do. I hope something gives you the ability to feel and see what you've done. I hope you have the courage to be different and give rather than take from the world. I still believe you have worth. But I also believe you have to want to. This life is a choice. I'm making mine. And I wish you well on your journey.

Me

A Rant on Standards

It bothers me that I have such a poor concept of where to draw the line with people. I know about boundaries - what they are, how to make and maintain them - in a textbook way. But when it comes to actually implementing them in detail in my everyday life... no idea. I get feelings about what I want to do, but then I don't know if they are a healthy choice or an unhealthy choice. Meaning, I don't know if I want to do them out of a good intuition that will help me grow or an old fear that will hinder my progress. I don't know how to tell if someone is bad for me or just irritating, and if it's something I can tolerate or if it should be a dealbreaker. I don't know what standards to hold as to who deserves to be in my life, or if I should let things go. When I do think I've decided, I overthink it to no end until I don't know what's reality and what's not.

I consider myself sort of an eccentric person. I have things in common with people, but then I think VERY differently than most people I meet. The feelings I get about what I want don't seem to mesh well with living normally in a society. I don't necessarily expect things from people; I don't often find things I want to gain out of friendships. The only things I do want tend to be things I DON'T want. Like, I don't want to be controlled, manipulated, used, or taken for granted (though I can deal with a bit of that one to some extent because sometimes it's human nature to take stuff for granted).

Sometimes I wonder if it's because I don't actively seek out things from people that they end up not finding me interesting and/or treat me poorly. I'm an introvert, not an extrovert, which means that I genuinely enjoy being alone (though I am able to enjoy being around people as well here and there, I just need time to recharge after). I find ways to get my own energy and don't really try to take on others' energies. I don't like being the center of attention. I can be witty and initiate conversation, but I'm also not into a lot of things that people generally consider popular or exciting. I was once given the explanation that maybe I am just boring to people and that's why they treat me bad. LOL. That actually depressed me for a while, but now I find it funny for some reason. But I do think there may be some truth to it. Just as kids in high school clamour to bask in the attentions of the popular kids at school, not caring if they are mean to others (or them) or if they do harmful things, they are exciting - fun. I am not. I can be spontaneous sometimes, but about boring things. I have a lot to offer in friendships - like deep conversation, loyalty, and a good listener - but excitement isn't really one of them.

At the same time, I'm not really sad if people find me boring. Most of the time I don't like those people either. But still, will I ever have any friends?

I find that people generally like me a lot when they first meet me. So I guess I'm not completely boring. It just seems to be that either they have no interest in pursuing a friendship after that (probably because they discovered I'm not really exciting), or if they do, they're the ones that go straight toward expectations and passive-aggressive type stuff. Even early on in a potential friendship, people will get mad at me for some perceived slight, like something they thought I should do that they never communicated, or if I did do something the quality wasn't what they wanted. Then they get really nasty and selectively ghost me, while still occasionally iniating contact when they need something. One day they'll say hi, the next they pretend they didn't see me. They'll be all friendly one minute, until I guess I used the wrong word and then they ignore me again for a few months. Who are these people, and where can I find a toned-down version?

Besides my traumas and past issues, I consider myself to be a fairly normal person, as far as trying to treat people decently. But is that normal? It seems like most of the crowd spends their social time wanting to show off what big names they know, or complaining about their partners, or making fun of their next-door neighbor. And apparently it makes them angry if I just try to smile and nod while they say their peace. It's not like I tell them off for doing it. They demand participation in these activities, and most of it just makes my stomach go in a knot. I think sometimes they assume I'm ok with this stuff, because I do actively listen to genuine venting about stuff that's upsetting them, like if they're sad or even angry. It's just the petty, making fun of people stuff. And if they go all out on a tirade and I don't respond the way they wanted me to, all of a sudden they're not speaking to me again. I don't think one needs to do that stuff in order to heal and feel better. They think it will, because it does temporarily, but all it does it cause problems in the long run.

I am absolutely perplexed about how to make a friend in my old age. Seems like I missed the boat for making lifelong friends in school or college. Everyone already picked their besties long ago when I was dealing with abusive home stuff and not allowed to have friends, and now it's too late and people like me are just acquaintances to be used as needed.

Would I say that to a friend? Absolutely not. Why can't I be kinder to myself on this issue? I can't seem to get past feeling different, even in places like this, which just gives my brain more evidence to compile against me.

Think I'm done now. That feels better. Until I start thinking about it again. LOL.

FRIENDS

Friendship/social anxiety stuff is still plaguing my mind. Not sure if I'm going to repeat some things from the last post, I apologize. There is something specific I keep mulling over incessantly. Sometimes I find that when a new friendship starts to get deeper, the relationship ends up being more of a taking one than a giving/sharing one. Often when I reach out for support, they ignore the topic and just talk about their stuff like usual. It really hurts. Even when they seem like someone who has empathy and will support me (and I think it's ok to pursue the friendship), it's almost like once the relationship gets to a certain point they get too hooked on the support I'm giving them and then it's almost like permission that they don't have to reciprocate anymore? Or maybe because I'm vocal about things I'm doing to heal, they think I'm stronger than I am and that I don't need the support when I say I'm struggling? These are relationships where they talk about some pretty heavy topics frequently, and I don't really talk about anything really dark even, so it's not as if it was too much too soon or something. They seem genuinely grateful for my support. It sounds like they just don't really have any energy to spare for me in their own healing process. Which I understand when they are going through rough patches, but once things get better for them, they still only want to talk about their stuff. Then after a huge message about their stuff, they'll say "hope you are well" or something to seem like they care, even though I had just told them I wasn't doing well.

I experience this pattern a lot. That's always the point where I reevaluate the relationship. I can't tell if they're the sort of relationships where I just need to realize it's toxic and walk away, or if this is somewhere I can try to be more direct with my needs and the person just wasn't aware and will be fine with it? I know that the person is very sensitive to any sort of actual or imagined criticism and are always looking for signs, so they frequently think people (including me) are upset with them, and I know they won't take it well when I do finally say that I'm upset or suggest that they weren't doing something or I need things differently. They may end up having a breakdown over it, no matter how delicately I try to bring it up. Or they might ghost me. Which, because of my attachment issues, I don't really have any feelings about the latter. But it will weigh heavily on me if it takes a toll on them emotionally.

I guess I notice what seems like codependency. I do feel like the caretaker or parent, responsible for things like their welfare and upsetting them, to the detriment of my own needs. And that's not good. I think the thing that bothers me more though is that sometimes I feel hints of manipulation from them. Like if they feel jealous when I show support to other acquaintances (which I can understand to a point), they'll make comments about how I seemed too busy or they weren't getting the same support (even if I spent a great deal of time with them too), and I don't like what feels like trying to guilt me into giving them all my attention or giving less to others. Or if I don't reply quick enough, they'll do things like creating additional problems that they know will get me to respond quicker. If I don't respond in a way that they wanted, they'll say how I "must have" thought this/that, and I get the sense that they want me to apologize for perceived slights or are fishing for me to tell them something hurtful they did is ok. I don't know. It's all complicated. In the situation I'm in now, they ended up doing things that were hurtful to others and involved me making me feel uncomfortable, but I fell for it, and it eventually pushed away other acquaintances and created a kind of situation where they have me all to themselves now. At least that's how I feel about it. Hard to explain. And now I'm noticing that they're starting to control the way the conversation goes, asking me things that I thought were innocent at first but now am seeing that it ended up in me being taken advantage of.

It does actually help to write this out. I can see where I'm falling into old thinking in places, and maybe where things are becoming clearer. I think I might be answering some of my own questions. But still I over-analyze. As far as my feelings, I'm trying to discern if I would regret it if I did cut anything off with this person. Would I miss them? Am I getting anything out of the relationship? I have a hard time thinking of much really positive that I gain. I thought it was comraderie, someone who understood, someone to heal with. But even when some things that seemed good happened, there was like more behind it. But maybe I'm just picking it apart too much? I can tell that most of my anxiety is due to worrying about the confrontation or upsetting them. I don't find myself thinking so much about wanting to keep the relationship. And yet, because I am the way I am and struggle with the "flight" response, I worry if I am just running away. So part of me has been forcing myself to stay in the relationship to prove something to myself. As I've mentioned previously, I am not someone who has any friends. Somehow this makes me feel very juvenile.

I really just wish I didn't keep getting into these situations in the first place. I love to support people, but I already have kids that I love to care for and need a lot of energy to care for, and I really don't want to keep having adult friendships that are so intense in ways that feel wrong to me. It affects my healing big time. I know it must be that I didn't establish proper boundaries with this person in the beginning, though I thought I was. But I know there are ways in which lines were crossed because I felt intimidated. I think I told them things were ok that I wasn't ok with. Or they said things in a sneaky way to where I thought I was really ok with it, until I found out what it actually led to. I think I just kept wanting to assume the best of them and not judge. They are struggling with similar things to me, and I know how hard certain things are.

As I write this out, I feel like I'm getting a stronger sense of my intuiton, but as usual I can't tell if it's really just fear snowballing. But if something feels wrong over a period of time, even when you sometimes feel relief in-between, isn't that a sign that something's amiss? I guess I know it's unhealthy already, it's just whether to leave or whether to try to fix it. I don't think the person will be willing to fix it. But maybe I'm mind reading. I just want to stop thinking about this and feeling what I'm feeling.

I read an article once about how to handle situations in which someone gets too dependent on you, and it mentioned giving a little less time and energy so they can rely on themselves a little more. Maybe that's a way to put up a boundary and see how I feel about it afterward. Maybe they'll lose interest. I know at least at first though they'll keep pinging me to see what's wrong. They won't actually care if anything is happening in my life, but they'll want to know if it's about them and they'll be scared of losing what they're getting from me. I don't know how I would handle that conversation, and I would feel the instinct to run again. The avoider in me will say everything's fine as I continue to pull away to avoid the confrontation. But I just feel like this isn't the kind of person I can tell that I am actually having a problem. I feel a strong sense not to do it, and I don't know what that is, but I am feeling resistance to what I know is a healthy way to resolve things. Wtf.

I'm having some snowballing emotions today. Think too much is on my mind and it's all starting to blur together.

Think I may be getting some moments of clarity on my "good wolf" vs "bad wolf" and which one I'm feeding. What are positive intuitions and what are negative fears. But I still struggle with this question of my "red flag senses". Those are based on negative things, and yet, if they are real intuitions, they can keep me safe and lead to positive change. I go back again to what is toxic and what is something that can be tolerated. I see so many things about trusting your gut when something just doesn't feel right. But then what's the difference between that and having an unhelpful automatic reaction to something? I guess you just have to really observe and ask yourself questions, like if there are alternate explanations or you may be thinking in black and white, etc? Still, some situations seem more clear-cut than others, especially when you run into someone who seems like they may be on the narcissist spectrum. They seem wonderful and yet you might get gut reactions at the same time. Well, before you know if they're a narcissist, how do you tell if you're just overreacting or not until it's too late? I'm so sick of thinking on these questions over and over. I think sometimes I prefer things to be in black and white so I can understand them better.

I like healthy things to have grey areas. I like unhealthy things to be black and white.

I wonder if that is bad. Oh well. My anxiety has been on hyperspeed for about the last month. I know some of it was holiday stuff, some family stuff, some social stuff I've already talked about at length here. But most of it is just basics. I feel overwhelmed and burned out with all the things I'm trying to juggle, when I have neither the time or the constant energy to maintain it all. I tried to reprioritize my to-do list some weeks ago, journaling on my values and things, and I was able to knock off a couple things, but I found that everything else was high-priority/urgent/important/values-based. I am overloaded with stuff that I'm doing during the day, which overflows into evenings and weekends. I have had no time (or when I do find time I don't have the energy) for healthy cooking, exercise, self-care, I rush through the basic hygiene that I am doing. I try to make time to come on here to work on this mental stuff, because I know it affects so much of my energy and life, but then I feel guilty for doing that instead of other things. I feel guilty if I try to relax and have a lazy day... I waste all my fun time worrying about all the stuff I'm putting off for later, and then I feel bad later that I didn't do more earlier, or that I didn't enjoy my off time more. I'm tired of this cycle. I've started to think that maybe I need to make bigger changes and give up some of the things I value, and that makes me sad. :( I can feel that something needs to change, but I'm not sure what. All I know is I'm exhausted and want to just take a nap.

Today I did some exercises on self-validation in the General Support community. I've been trying to validate myself better lately, but one part of the exercise really opened my eyes.

It was about how we sometimes look to the people around us in order to know what we should feel or is socially acceptable to feel, because we don't trust our own intuition. I've already written here before about how I have trouble knowing what my gut is telling me. But I didn't realize the extent to which I trust other people more than myself. I use them as a measuring stick, because I never had safe, reliable ways of predicting or expecting basic things when I was young. The people who were supposed to provide a secure environment for me to learn how the world works... didn't.

The exercise also mentioned how we might spend a lot of effort trying to prove to others and ourselves that our experiences and feelings are real and make sense. Well I can see how I did exactly that in my last post here. I listed reasons almost like "proof" for my mind that my emotions are valid. I think I also do this when talking to other people, because I've gotten very used to people saying I'm overreacting or too sensitive. I feel so chaotic when they say that, partly because of manipulative gaslighting by the person who abused me so that they could continue doing it, so I think when I go to talk about something, I start proactively listing all the reasons and proof so that no one can invalidate me. I have noticed though, particularly after my last post, that doing this also ends up making me feel very anxious and intense. I don't really like that I'm doing it. Or maybe I feel I shouldn't need to. Still, the fear of someone questioning or putting down my feelings is so raw that it's like I can't risk it. I hadn't really realized until now that I was doing this though.

The other idea was that if you can validate yourself, you can calm your intense emotions in order to better solve problems. It makes sense. So, I'm going to try something here and see if it helps.

********************

It's ok that I have felt hurt by people. It doesn't always matter what the reasons were behind it. What matters is how it made me feel. It's not ok for people to hurt me. Even if it was unintentional, my feelings are still real and are telling me something. I can still have a relationship with someone and be upset by them. I can also decide that a person upsets me too much and that I don't want to have a relationship with them anymore. I'm not a bad person for feeling hurt or for doing something that is best for me. I can trust myself to make good decisions about how to handle relationship issues. I am allowed to take time to decide if something is right for me, try different ways of resolving issues in a healthy way, and to discern if someone is really an authentic presence in my life.

I haven't been doing very well. Feeling more depressed than usual (lately). I think my efforts to get more organized backfired. Well I think maybe I went too far with it. I don't know. I think I've always felt very out of control of my own life, usually that other people are pulling the strings. I have gotten better with making boundaries with others, not as much at managing my own emotional boundaries. I still overthink, overanalyze, obsess. I was feeling a need to reign that in a bit, so started making lists and outlining goals, and at first I was feeling really good about it like I was making progress. But perhaps I made things so rigid that I couldn't reasonably live up to them, and now I'm just constantly disappointing myself. I know this post isn't going to make much sense. My thoughts are all over the place, and I'm low on energy. And I don't really care enough to worry about it.

I think rather than relentlessly trying to plan and make goals and have a set schedule, etc, I need to put my focus a little more on accepting certain things the way they are. I've accepted things from my past to a certain extent, but I don't really accept myself for the way I am. Maybe part of that is accepting how my trauma affected me... permanently. I do know that it has benefitted me in some ways. I don't regret what I've been through. But there are definitely a lot of things I don't like about myself. One thing in particular that I think I need to come to terms with is that, at least for now, I still have depression. It may not be as severe as it was most of my life, but it still affects me. I wake up some days and just can't do all these things I've set up for myself. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, and having a never-ending list of things in my mind that still need to be done. It never ends anyway... as soon as I complete one I add five more.

Anyway, maybe it's finally time to stop denying it and trying to push it away. Ok, I am sad... I run out of energy easily... I have days where the only way I feel better is by resting. I need to do what I can and stop putting myself down because I can't be "on" all the time. It's not me. I'm not that person. It's ok to rest. It's ok to do something fun without feeling guilty. I'm not a bad or lesser person. It's ok if I didn't finish my project again today. It's ok if there are some dishes in the sink. It's ok if the kids didn't eat a vegetable tonight; they still had a good meal. It's ok if I didn't do something educational with them today, as long as we had fun and spent time together. It's ok if I can't always be super parent and run around the house. Sometimes just a snuggle on the couch is good too.

I don't know if I believe what I just wrote yet, but I'm going to try.