Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*
I created this space for me to be able to write - whatever is on my mind that I may not want replies too. It isn't that I don't appreciate the replies - it's that alot of times I am really uncomfortable with the support. Sometimes it's the well meaning words get twisted around in my head - sometimes it the well meaning suggestions that are turned around and taking the wrong way. Sometimes - it's fear - rejection - judgement - fear of offending someone with what I say. Even now - the creation of this is - causing some anxiety - and I feel the edge of a panic attack - so let's take a pause and a few deep breaths
I often don't feel as though I deserve support. I waste peoples time and feel like an inconvenience. With that in mind - I've been slowly going quiet
The TW is because - well - lets be honest - if I'm going to put some of whats in my head and and I don't want replies - you dear gentle reader should be warned at least. Because there are times my head is a scary place -
I'll say I'm sorry in advance because sometimes I do swear - I try not to and I try to remember replace some letters - but well sometimes I dont care and sometimes I forget. Idk - I suppose I should say sorry for my sense of humor in advance too - because sometimes it's alittle dark or alittle inappropriate
So - let's post and panic over this now shall we?
11:42 it's almost been a year. It doesn't feel that long and yet it feels so much longer than that.
Too many memories the past week
11:49
Do you ever have moments where you just don't really like people? They're undependable and unreliable. Maybe it's just me having expectations, but shouldn't some people be dependable? Can't one person be reliable?
I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like my father's GF. I sent her a text Dec. 1st. Said they were in my thoughts. She replies back that she thought about texting earlier but didn't want to remind me in case I forgot what day it was. Understandable but uncalled for. Why make that comment? Why not a simple thank you and you were in my thoughts as well?
Checked the mail today. There was a letter about an outstanding bill of my father's. For his phone. She had told me she called them. She had the bills and the phone. I never gave it a thought to double check. I'm disappointed and a little upset. The tax papers were already sent in and I assume accepted because they cashed the check. What do I do now? Tell the lawyer? Just pay it myself? Now I'm concerned what else will pop up. It's too late in the game for these surprises. Every time I think we're almost done things pop up. What's next? The title of the car still needs to be changed. There's been too much sentimentality in the fact that his name and J is on it. It's legal to drive but the registration runs out at the end of January so it needs to be done. Procrastinating sentimentality can only last so long.
There have been other things happening. Things seen that may or may not be real. Things heard. Things felt. Flashbacks? I'm not even sure. Some days it feels as though what tentative grip that holds onto reality and sanity is slipping. I do know that I'm tired. Tired of pretending that things are fine. Avoiding people because of wanting to be alone and yet not wanting to be alone. Doing it because everything we've gone through was always done alone. Always.
It used to be that coming here to "talk" held the guise of being listened too. Now? (smh)
I need to write a check for the bill that came for him. The lawyer said to. His GF said not to. Lol. I have to I'm responsible for his final affairs. His GF doesn't seem to understand that it's my *** on the line. I've been meaning to write it for the past few days but just can't seem to bring myself to sit down and actually do it.
I called his phone the other day to make sure it's actually turned off. That hit in a way I'm not sure how to even describe it. It made me feel even more alone, which I didn't think was possible. His birthday is tomorrow and I can't help but think how we started to meet for breakfast on our birthdays the past couple of years. There's so many things, too many things that were left unsaid and it weighs on me
Wouldn't it be nice if mind and body could share the same area of space and time?
I often catch myself wandering the house. Room to room, searching for.... something. Exhausted and restless at the same time, resulting in irritability. Reactive to tones. Anger.
The last 2 weeks there have been phone calls. I block the phone calls and then they send emails. Block the emails and flyers come in the mail. From tax people, offering their services for my father. Were they not paying attention when they did the final taxes? This seems both insensitive and thoughtless. How many times must the words be said? He's dead. He won't be filing taxes anymore. Put it in your files somewhere. The person who did his final taxes said she was changing the address so that things came here, so there wouldn't be any waiting on the GF to pass along paperwork. Now it seems everyone thinks he lives or lives here.
Is this everyone's experience? Does this happen with everyone? Everyone, with the exception of the lawyer, has done a botched job.
An appointment with lawyer to "finalize administration" has been made. It only took a few weeks of heel dragging. The car title has been taken care of.
When does the longing stop? The wanting? Is it always there? The desire for more time, another day. A second chance. "No spell can reawaken the dead, Harry. I trust you know that."
Albus Dumbledore
Despite everyone saying "you're not alone" . It often feels the exact opposite. Trying to constantly "embrace the loneliness" has only cemented the fact that we ARE alone. .. Always. Which makes reality even more depressing
I remember the fear in his eyes
Sometimes something shows up that you can't help but chuckle at nervously. You quietly greet it's arrival even though you know this can't be good. You try to explain that now is not a good time, could you come back later? "I'll wait." With those 2 tiny little words, barely a sentence, there is so much force, so much power. You feel apprehensive, a little afraid, but resigned. "I figured you would."
I think everyone is wearing a mask of some sort. How can we not? Look around at all the things happening. Even if you try to avoid it and ignore it happening it still leeches into daily life. Even scrolling YouTube you'll inevitably run into a protest or a plea. We all want what we feel is right but we can't seem to agree on what right actually is. And it's so disappointing and disheartening....
Masks... But only around people. Maybe you can't explain why you feel the way you do. It's just a heaviness, a weigh. Maybe wondering what is the point...
Sometimes we wear the mask long enough we forget how to let down the walls. Forget how speak. And sometimes like now the wall slides down, I'm not sure why. And I have all these thoughts and I want to get them out. But as hard as I fight to keep it down I can feel it pushing back. The mask slipping back into place. And the silence comes with it and I wonder why am I writing this... What is the point.... The want to share fades.... And I wonder why am I so tired
Delete? Post? Who is quicker. Debating....
So they delete the conversation. Pretend it never happened. Too late. It's stuck. "They should be ashamed for existing." I don't think I've ever had a thought like that about someone.. or someones.
It's understandable that some people might/would have a problem with men. But to say k.ill them all? What a disgusting mindset. Hours later and I still can't stop thinking about it.
I never asked to exist
.
*gently blows the dust off the pages and watches it swirl in the faltering light.*
The leather cover is worn thin at the corners, smelling faintly of cedar and dried ink.
A heavy stillness has settled over this space. Silence presses against the walls, the only constant companion in a space that has forgotten the sound of human voices.
I'm the tin man.
