Life is hard

I was kicked out of the house at age of 13 by my narcissistic and bipolar mother. Then i had no where to go so I joined a bad crowd. Went in and out of youth centers over and over. Eventually i ran away again. Then I was forced to have sex with older men at 14 during night time. And during day time they would put me in a massage parlor. Then eventually I ended up living with one of the clients. At 18 my mother offer to take me back. So after multiple failed school due to trouble behavior. I graduated and highschool. In the past 3 years ive been dating very aggressive men. Lots of domestic abuse, punching, intimidating, some of them took drugs, other like to party. My latest one that i just ended was 3 years. I was raped, beaten, talked to like im stupid. I lost allot of myself. I started drinking heavily and taking drugs to numb the pain from my teenage years, to cure temporary cure my depression. And at this point although im not healthy, depressed, sad, have a addiction problem. Im always just punishing myself.

I never asked for the path im in right now, i never had anyone ask me if im okay. The first time in a loooooooooong time ( years) has someone asked me if im okay. In my family I always have to hide my problems and pretend everythings okay.

Now I dont want to lose my life anymore. I dont want it. I dont want the bad people the bad habits the drugs. I want none of it. I want to change. But my trauma always come back and I end up using.