Lost and unsure where to turn...
Yesterday I told my story for the first time. For 13 years I've been hiding 3 sexual assaults from 4 men, I knew and thought I could trust all of them. I lot of problems have resulted from this, including my inability to have children which I just found out about a couple weeks ago. I have been bipolar for 15 years, I suffer from PTSD and I'm obsessive compulsive. Nobody knows but the couple of people on here that I managed to admit it all to. I just feel like the world is closing in on me, crushing me. It's all been hidden for so long that I don't know what else to do with it. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I shut myself in for days. Last week I did something I'm not necessarily proud of...and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've never been suicidal even despite my mental illness, but I'm scared of reaching that point....can anybody help me....please....?
Admitting it to somebody is the first step in relieving your problems and stress. It's a great step to take, but suicide, nothing can come from that. I want you to take a picture of the closest people in your life, and put them where you'll see it every day. I your wallet, bathroom mirror, car, where ever you go the most often. Upon seeing that picture just think, if you died, what would happen to them, to their beautiful smile, and worst of all they might not even know why. If you can't live for yourself live for another.
That's really the only reason I've never been suicidal...I care about my family, my boyfriend, my godson...
I've never been able to get counseling...and I tried to sit in on a group session once and had to leave. I can't talk about something like that face to face with anybody, let alone a group of complete strangers. I'm a very, VERY private person...and only 2 people outside my family know anything personal about me. This makes it very difficult to talk about something like this...this site just provided me the anonymity I need to get it out.
The problem is that with the traumas, the mental illness, everything else that has gone wrong in my life recently, and now I find out that the first attack not only took my virginity but my ability to have my own children as well, I am starting to lose sight of the point. Life wasn't meant to be this dark...and nobody was meant to feel like this. And given my situation and my lack of an outlet, it's just weighing down on me more and more. It's suffocating. I'm scared I'm just going to snap on day.
katumsRR8583 I am so sorry for what you have been through. You have strength beyond words. All the feelings you have are very "normal"considering all you have been through and because you have kept it inside so long, it is very deep. Working with a counselor is very important, and sometimes it takes time to find the right one, who can really guide you through the healing process.I would encourgae you to try again.I don't believe group therapy would be a good place for you right now, and can understand why you were not comfortable in it.
I am here to help you if I can. Message me and we can set up a time.
Beth:
I appreciate it...I actually just got done telling somebody else I was talking to that I've made an appointment with a behavioral health clinic for uninsured and homeless. So it's 100% covered for me since I have no job. They can take care of the mental illness, medications, and the lady said she can help me find counseling. Apparently there are free counselors out here, they just don't advertise like that. I can't see them until the 22nd, and then who knows how long until I actually talk to a counselor.
My only real beef with counseling is that a lot of times you get those people that think they understand everything and then give you terrible, destructive advice. I actually had somebody tell me that if I deal with the traumas in my life, my bipolar disorder will disappear. I'm no doctor, but that's just not true.
