My Diary
I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I miss him after all he's done to me. There are times when I feel like everything is okay and there are other times where I feel that emptiness in my heart that he used to fill. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm going to be okay but it's so hard. We were together for a year and I lied to myself every single day that everything was fine. He used to hit me, shove me, bite me, and squeeze my wrists to the point where it would hurt, but he never did it out of anger. He would do it "playfully" as he called it so I never saw it as abusive even though I told him time and time again that it hurt and I didn't like it. There was a lot of emotional abuse as well, he had always held me to such a high standard while he was allowed to do whatever toxic things he wanted. I could never tell him anything that bothered me because it would either be turned around on me or he would get very angry. Most of our fights were him reacting to something minor that I did such as asking him to not be as flirtatious with other women and him saying that I was jealous and that I should trust him. Sometimes when I'd break down from everything, he would completely change gears and start trying to make me feel bad for him. He would start crying and saying that he's a monster and that he should hurt himself for hurting me. There were so many things he would do that were emotionally abusive and I just never saw it. He was unpredictable and I was always on my toes. Nothing was ever stable. I admit that I wasn't perfect and I messed up at times but I always fixed my mistakes and did the best I could to make up for it. For so long he had manipulated me and gaslighted me to not see him as an abuser, which is what he is. Yet when I finally called him out on his abuse when we broke up he completely put it all on me saying that he could give me an entire list of awful things I've done and that clearly if he were that abusive I would've just left. I just don't understand how I did everything that he wanted me to do and yet it was too much for me to ask him for things and he would escalate it and it would lead into a fight. These fights became so frequent that he just ended it. So I look at myself and I realized that I sacrificed my own mental health and wellbeing for his sake as well as because I loved him. Now I'm alone and I have nothing to show for it.
I just woke up and I feel a wave of anxiety coming over me. He was in my dreams and it seems like no matter where I go mentally he's always there. I keep replaying scenarios in my head over and over about what could've been different. I had an anxiety attack last night just from hearing that he got high with his friends. I just feel so worthless and I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I feel so alone and empty but I know that I'm not. I just want this to go away.
I've been getting more anxiety attacks and intrusive thoughts. At a family party last night I kept getting flashbacks into the relationship and getting thoughts that he was gonna hurt me or himself. Why do I keep feeling so attached to him? Why do I keep wondering when he's going to move onto someone else? Why do I care what he thinks of me? Why do I feel like I was never abused in the first place? I have witnesses who have seen it, I have proof, I just keep doubting my own memory.
TW: Mention of sexual assault, sexual abuse.
I saw my psychiatrist today and he increased my anxiety medication. Perhaps this will help soothe my nerves when I see anything relating to him. I deleted our photos together and got rid of his gifts. I still haven't blocked him on social media or anything. It's just so hard. I know he hurt me and there are no excuses for what he did, but when I fall in love, I fall hard. Memories of the abuse just keep coming back bit by bit. Things that I repressed are making their way back. I recalled today that he had once threatened to rape me and told me he would pin me down and do it no matter how much I resisted. How did I think that was okay? He also knew that I had gotten sexually abused all throughout my mid-childhood. I started questioning why I end up in these abusive relationships (my first ex was mentally abusive) and stay in them. Why am I so sadistic with my mental health? I think back to my parents and how they're divorced because my dad had began to grow distant from my mom when she started to express how unhappy she was with the current situations. I had witnessed this from the time that I was 6 years old. Perhaps subconsciously I don't want to end up like my mom who lives alone now so I just choose to stay even when there are signs everywhere that I shouldn't. Maybe that's why I never started to really fight back until the end when I had started to have enough, and even then I was still willing to stay and work things out. My dad has already moved on and has been in a relationship with somebody else and I live with him, while my mom is alone (except for when I see her on weekends and talk on the phone). That's not the future that I want. So maybe that's why I stay in these abusive relationships, because I don't want to end up like my mother. I don't want my children to be away from me and I don't want to get divorced. I just want to live happily and not alone. I think that's what I fear above all else; being alone.
I let my anxiety get ahead of me last night but I calmed myself down, and the same thing happened this morning. Why can I never get any peace of mind? Just when I think everything's okay, it just falls apart all over again. My paranoia has been quite bad as well. I always worry that he's going to come and hurt me. I don't think he would ever actually do it but my mind just tends to wander and get ahead of me sometimes. I always wonder what he thinks about me even though it shouldn't matter. I know what's right and I know what's wrong. I know that what happened is the right thing. Our break-up was the right thing, it is a good thing, and I know that it's right for me to cut off all communication with him and not even worry myself with him. However, despite my mind knowing what's right, my heart tends to dominate my mind and do the wrong thing. My entire life has been guided by my heart and it's gotten me into some wonderful things as well as meeting wonderful people, but at the same time, it has also gotten and kept me in abusive relationships. I just feel so powerless. I had no power in that relationship. Whenever I tried to gain some power, it would turn into an argument. I changed so much for him and he couldn't even stop hitting me. He claimed he "did everything he could to make me happy" but he couldn't even stop hurting me. He can't even recognize that he hurt me. In his mind, nothing is ever his fault. I know this, I know he's an abusive and a toxic person, so why am I still attached? Why do I still care about someone like this? I don't even know if I can say I love him anymore. I think that I stopped loving him a while ago, and I was mistaking dependence for love.
My heart feels like a million pounds. I have to be honest with myself in regards to how I feel. I miss him, I miss him a lot, but I don't miss the abusive parts. I miss the happy times. I miss having someone there. I hate feeling alone. I'm addicted to that feeling of being in a relationship and now I don't have that anymore. Even at the cost of my own mental health, I stayed in an abusive relationship because of that addiction. I know that I'm better off. I know that I'm a mess, but I always think about how maybe he'll better himself and then I'd be the one who got the short end of the stick while somebody else gets better treatment than I did. I suppose there are bad parts of him that might never change. It's just useless for me to pine over someone who may or may not change. I just want this feeling of being alone to go away, I hate feeling like a burden to my loved ones. I just want to feel whole again.
There was a confrontation between the two of us and things got even worse. He had never taken me out on a date while we were in a relationship nor did he ever take me off our campus to go and do something. While I understand that he has strict parents and he couldn't take me out when school wasn't in session, however, we still could've left campus. Him and I both have a mutual friend, and he posts on social media them going off-campus when he never posts on social media at all. He was basically rubbing it in my face and he was doing it out of spite. I of course, was furious and confronted him, and things turned sour very quickly. He accused me of doing things in the relationship that never happened or embellished what happened. He also is continuously trying to turn that friend against me by saying I'm toxic, a bad friend, and that I'm never gonna change. He is actively trying to get her to stop being my friend. This is hurting me so much and it's like no matter what I do I just can't get a break. I realize maybe I shouldn't have confronted him but I was just so angry and upset that he went and posted it like that just to rub it in my face. I couldn't control myself. He's blocked now but I still can't get a break from him. This is all just so much and I don't know how to deal with it.
