My intrusive thoughts (Trigger warning)

So I have a history of child abuse (emotional and physical) and for some reason when I'm depressed(like I am now) I have intrusive thoughts telling me that I deserve to get punched in the face or hurt physically or emotionally. It's very weird and hard for me to control when I'm in this headspace. I also have intrusive thoughts about myself in pain in order for myself to behave properly (it's kinda like I have this belief that I need to get hurt or hurt myself in order to put myself in place or behave). It makes me feel worse and I told my ex bf about these intrusive when we were still together and he told me he would kill himself if I didn't shut up. Ever since then I've felt like a monster and afraid to talk about this. I'm so sorry for the disturbance I just feel awful right now...