My life is one big trigger warning for Sexual Abuse.
Hi. I'm new here. I'm gonna post a bit of my "life story" because I want to get better at telling the truth.
I was first raped when I was 7. By a 6 year old. Something I never told anyone then because I was ashamed, and never told anyone as an adult because no one wants to acknowledge that children are capable of that sort of thing.
When I was 13 I was manipulated into "playing counsellor" for a teacher in my school who was sexually assaulting a girl in my year. Eventually my emails with him were used as evidence in court but he only ever served 9 months.
When I was 14 I was raped by a boy from school who lived on my street. I let him take me to his room because otherwise he said he'd do it to me in the street where everyone could see. I may have been naïve to believe that would happen but I lived in the sort of area where I wouldn't have expected anyone to phone police / police to respond.
When I was 21 I was dragged from the pub to a secluded area and forcibly raped by a colleague. I went home, changed, had a shower and pretended it never happened.
When I was 22 I was raped by a close friend's uncle. Again, committed myself to never, letting anyone know. It recently came to light that he had been repeatedly raping my friend and even went so far as to brag about having done it to me to her face, it was reported to the police, and suddenly I'm left dealing with all the mess I hid even from myself.
I'm now 28, have a fantastic counsellor, and trying to learn to live.
@DeceasedInternally Thank you for sharing this which must have been difficult to do, given that your new to our community, and I would like to welcome you and hope that you can find the support you need here. I commend your strength and courage to share all that you have. How did it feel sharing what you have with us? Im sorry you went through such awful experiences, and that your trauma occured on multiple times. I hope that with the help of your counsellor, you can begin to work through what happened to you, and the impact that this has had on your life, and that you learn not only to live again, but to thrive. Since starting counselling, would you say that things are beginning to feel a little better for you in the sense that you now have a safe person with whom you can talk to and work through all this?
@dancingRainbow45
It felt quite intimidating to write it out, but being anonymous(ish) has made it easier than if I were to be open about this publicly. People know about the last incident IRL and I've already been accused of lying to the point where I'm no longer welcome with some friends because others who live with them have threatened violence should I be seen. For this to have happened multiple times? I fear that would be completely unbelievable to them.
Counselling has made things worse at the moment, but it's only week 6 and I was forewarned that it would get worse before it gets better. I've had it all walled up and taken care of in its own restricted area of my mind for so long, and I'm having to unbox and handle all of that at once now. I'm only hoping I can still recover. But a lot of the time that seems to feel like too ambitious of a goal.
Apologies if this message seems more negative. I seem to flit between positive and negative and trust and distrust like the changing of the wind at the moment. I may come and fix posts I make if I feel I've been unproductive in what I've written, however the earliest version of each post is probably the most emotionally minded. I also feel that this approach may seem atypical and I guess I should let you guys know that I'm also Autistic so that kind of complicates matters.
@DeceasedInternally Hello, I'm sorry if this seems insensetive but I just don't understand if what I suffer with is the same as you. I don't understand how people interact with each other, I feel like everything I do is a trained act and I feel like the things I suffered before I was 8 changed how I work on the inside and made everything I feel maybe... 6% of what I should be able to feel. I make smiles I don't understand, I'm completely different to others and I don't even feel sad about being raped. I don't feel anything like I'm just a bowl of apathy. I don't dare say I am autistic but I've researched being emotionally dead and I don't think I'm a sociopath because I don't want to manipulate and I don't think I'm a psycopath because I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't think I'd get a diagnosis now because its impossible as an adult where I live so I just don't understand and I don't think I can understand but I'd like to try. Sorry if my words bring up thoughts and emotions you'd prefer stayed buried.