My story *TW******

I recently got a new boyfriend. We had been friends for several months, flirting here and there until we got together finally. About a month ago, we were out celebrating our birthday, since it lands on the same day. I didn’t feel right all night and after we had all had probably a little too much to drink, we decided to get pizza. At first I blamed how I felt on drunkenness and tiredness, but then I realized it had to be something more.

Everything seemed so loud and overwhelming to me, which is strange since I love to go out with my friends on the weekend and cause a scene lolz. Anyway, I had a sudden urge to just get some air. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to go sit outside. So, like the perfect man he is, he came and sat with me. We were out there for a while just talking and I just really was in an awful mood and wanted badly to go home. My friends all decided to hit a party a couple blocks away but I told him I really just wanted to take the bus back to campus.

Once we got back to the dorm, I kept telling him he didn’t need to stay if he was tired etc. I felt bad that we got in so early and if he was tired or something he should go back to his room if he wanted. However, I didn’t want him to leave at all. I think part of me knew that I was about to have a breakdown and maybe I just didn’t want him to see me in such a bad state.

One of my roommates, a girl that was kinda known for hooking up with people, had gone off with a random guy at the party. I was told this by my best friend, who is also one of my roommates. She was just filling me in on the shenanigans of the night, but it really concerned me. I knew she had a lot to drink and I started to panic. I explained to my boyfriend, who was definitely worried for me, since I was so on edge, that I didn’t want her to be taken advantage of.

I was on the verge of tears thinking of how awful I would feel if something happened to her. This took me back to something that had happened to me two years ago. It was in this moment that I realized what I told myself happened was something entirely different than what really went down. I guess you could say her situation triggered some repressed memories for me.

TW:

I had an ex boyfriend at the time, not a very good one. He was pretty toxic and disrespectful to me as it was, but I did care for him and really wanted things to work out between us back then. We were staying at a friends house in the summer. His parents were out of town so we all decided to drink and party there. It wasn’t a big party, just 8 of us or so. I was already going through a rough time that night, as my shitty ex was ignoring my existence entirely as soon as his friends showed up, which was actually pretty typical behavior from him. I was super fed up, and I barely even got to spend time with him that night. I went to bed with him in a bad mood. He, of course, didn’t pick up on anything. I also didn’t want to have a drunk conversation about how he makes me feel. I pushed it down and things started happening. I missed him and was happy to just be with him so we were kissing a little bit. It got more intense and I just felt pretty out of it. I told him this and he seemed annoyed. He continued trying to make out with me and I was so tired and crabby that I just let him if it was what would make him happy. He tried to take off my clothes and I swatted his hand away. I mean, really? I was out of it and we were in a house full of our friends. It didn’t work. It felt like I blinked and he was up making sure the door was locked. Suddenly I had no clothes on and I tried to tell him to stop but he wouldn’t listen and I was really just too weak to stop him. He didn’t bring any protection and it was too late at this point. It hurt and I just waited until it was over because luckily it didn’t last too long. This happened twice. When he fell asleep I cried myself to sleep quietly. I woke up the next morning feeling so sick. I threw up a bunch in the bathroom. I was not hungover by any means but I felt disgusted and violated. I had told him no but I couldn’t stop him. I was scared I was pregnant at the time and I think that was my main focus. On the literal last day that plan b would work in my system he bought it. I told him no way was I buying as this was his fault. We never talked about how it wasn’t really consensual. We just wanted to make sure he didn’t get me pregnant. I think I convinced myself that this was just a pregnancy scare, we got caught up in the moment, and that we were “having fun”. It wasn’t until a month ago that I truly remembered what he did to me and that it didn’t happen the way I thought. I also think I convinced myself it wasn’t really..well… rape. I mean, he was my boyfriend, we were dating and stuff and I used that as an excuse to make it okay. I didn’t want to face what it really was. Because once I was able to come to terms with it I had the most painful, scary, and disturbing flashbacks.

On a lighter note, my boyfriend really did handle my panic attack so well and made me feel so safe and loved in the moment. I know that was probably really scary, sad, and hard for him to witness. Before we really got talking he was never too big on communicating and sharing his feelings and such, but I have seen him grow so much and his support and understanding in that moment meant the world to me. It brought us closer and I am so lucky to have someone like him. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I was alone and the memories came rushing back. I am very glad he decided to stay with me even though I was a mess and was feeling so many different emotions. I was pissed that someone had done that to me, I felt weak, I felt sad, I felt violated, and to have someone I love holding me and telling me everything will be okay was the thing that really got me through it all.

Thanks in advance for reading/responding. It feels so nice to have a safe space in which I can share what happened and relate to other people who have gone through similar trauma. I would love to hear some advice on how to heal from something like this.