My story
*******Trigger Warning******** Proceed with caution
When I had just turned 15 I began smoking weed with a couple of people who went to my school and they had introduced me to this boy who I used to score off of, he was two years older than me and seemed like a nice boy, he was always pretty fun to be around but he did have a violent side if something angered him but I never had any trouble with that.
I remember that I had been on holiday for a week and I came home and instantly went out to meet my friends, the boy who I used to buy off asked if he could see me that day and I said yes because I had no reason not to. All of my other friends ended up going to the cinema after spending a bit of time with me because they had already planned it. Now it was just me and the boy so he suggested we went for a walk and I agreed. He took me to a spot where we all used to play when we were kids, it was a little bridge that you could climb under and have a lot of room to sit down in the middle of nowhere, whenever we went there we would never see anybody.
We were just chatting for a little while, this must have been one of the only times that we weren't smoking weed. All of a sudden he grabbed my wrist with one hand and unzipped his jeans with the other and pulled my hand until I was touching it, I tried to move my hand away to show him that I didn't want to but he kept pulling me toward him, he was so much stronger than me and I was so scared of what he would do if I tried to leave. I told him to stop and then he grabbed my hair and put my face in his crotch, I was almost sick from gagging. While this was happening he put his hand down my pants and touched mes. He told me to turn around, by that point I was so scared and I just did what he said, I feel so guilty that I didn't fight back or at least try to escape, maybe I could have stopped it, it's my fault.He then raped me. it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced, I'd never had sex and this was my first experience of it. I remember just waiting for it to end, everytime he pushed into me I felt like screaming but I didn't, I was just silent. At one point I just disconnected completely and it felt as if I was watching it happen to someone else rather than it actually happening to me, my arms collapsed and I smashed my face off of the hard ground but compared to what was happening I barely felt it, I just laid there with my face on the concrete until he was finished.
I was so frightened and confused afterwards, I called up my friend and cried, to this day she is the only person in my life who knows what happened. I was in pain for about a week after this; I can remember what I was wearing exactly.
I tried to tell myself for a long time that sex doesn't matter, I would sleep with basically anyone who offered it to me until about a year and a half later when I began to get these images and feelings pop up in my head while I was having sex, it would be as if I was reliving the moment, this would usually happen if the sex I was having began to hurt me, I couldn't ask people to stop either as I had and still have a lot of anxiety especially around sex. I now don't sleep with men and can't feel comfortable enough around them to feel aroused but I don't have any trouble with women, I'm not sure if this is from fear or if I'm actually gay.
Around a year after all this happened I got into a relationship with an older guy who used to hurt me and threaten me when I did something that he didn't like. I don't generally get flashback type things with this but there's one memory that sometimes bothers me, this first happened when one of my friends joking put their hands around my neck. This one time me and the guy I was seeing had an argument because he found out that I had been self harming and all of a sudden something just flipped in him and he pinned me down by the throat and put all of his weight on me, I remember thinking that I was actually going to die then and all I could do was look up at his face, he wasn't even looking at me while he was doing this. I started really struggling and felt like I was about to pass out and then he let me go, I think this was just because it would be too much of a risk for him to go to prison.
Tbh I'm not too sure why I wrote all of this, it's just been keeping me up at night so maybe this will help me finally get some sleep. It's the first time I've ever written it down or said anything in this amount of detail.
edited by dancingRainbow45 to comply with trauma community guidelines on non explicit or graphic detail posts and added a trigger warning
@practicalShade3882 Hi Shade, thank you for sharing your experience here with us, that must have taken a lot of courage and strength to find the words to do that, so thank you. 
Im sorry that you were subjected to the experiences you went through and it was not your fault what happened to you. No one has the right to do this to you. I wonder how you feel towards the person who did this to you and how you coped at the time with what happened? You question if you could have stopped it but you should never have been put in the position of having to stop anything like this and when fear consumes us, it can be very difficult in the given moment to do anything. Even if you did not do or say anything, its still not your fault and many survivors of trauma freeze when faced with situations like this, and thats all part of the survival mechanism kicking in. Some people fight and it does them no good and actually makes the situation worse, others freeze just to get through their ordeal as best they can and also because they dont understand whats going on, are frightened and scared.
Im glad you were able to tell someone and it sounds from your post that you have a really good friend who has supported you. I wonder if you have ever considered talking to a counsellor or someone in a professional role to help you work through your experiences?
Often when people have been sexually assaulted, they often get into promiscious or abusive experiences, often because of low self worth, because they believe they dont deserve any different, sometimes to recreate the trauma in the hope (unconsciously) of trying to change it in some way etc. So you are not alone when you said you would sleep with anyone who offered you that and for you sex became something that was done to you, rather than something you chose to do with someone you cared about.. Sometimes experiences of assault often lead to survivors not wishing to be intimate but this can change as healing begins to happen. It also sounds very dangerous for anyone to put their hands around your throat and this is a big red flag when it comes to abusive relationships and it could be that yes the person in question did not wish to be arrested for what they did, but often people with this level of violence end up hurting others very badly. And no one should ever be subjected to this