My trauma
Hi. My name is Daniella. I have ptsd. I am currently living in housing with supports - I was homeless for a few months this year when things got really bad. I worked for 7 years fulltime as a cook and worked my way up to being a "chef" - but I realized I was using work to cope with my past and I was overworking myself to the point of physical sickness. I left my hometown with my bf at the time 2 years ago and got a very good opportunity in a well known restaurant and starting feeling very down. My family has been falling apart for years anyway. Lots of abuse. And I left home when I was 17 and started working. Then when I changed cities I let go of my cat and my personal space since I lived with bf. I tried an antidepressant and had a bad reaction and ended up not moving from bed and suicidal so I went to the hospital and got voluntarily admitted. When I was getting better and got my diagnosis of ptsd , I spent a night at home with my bf and took meds to fall asleep and he sexually assaulted me that night. So I went back to the hospital and from there eventually left and since then it has been a 2 year struggle to get back on 2 feet. I haven't worked since. It's been 2 years. I started getting panic attacks 2 days after the assault worse than I have ever experienced. I felt at the time that I just had to heal from my childhood, but the one I trusted the most violated me and now I have to heal from that too. The thing is - abuse and trauma seem to follow me.
Pt 2.
Abuse and trauma seem to follow me. I also do it to myself. As in.. I am not kind to myself. But I am trying to learn. I started doing yoga and meditating more and it seems to be helping. I've basically started my life over in the place I am in now. I never thought I'd end up in supportive housing after being so self sufficient in the work place for so many years. Tho I suppose I wasn't really self sufficient has much as I was addicted to running away from feeling and the kitchen environment provided the perfect place to escape myself and focus on something else. When I became weaker and less able to work and had that reaction to the antidepressants, and then the assault happened. I just caved in on myself. I don't know if I will ever be able to work fulltime again. I'm afraid of it honestly. I was homeless this year. I never thought I would ever end up homeless and living in a shelter. Which was extremely difficult and my body is still repairing itself from the experience. I impulsively left a previous living situation after another Assault and running away to the island 6 hours away or so. I loved it there but eventually my ability to handle life diminished and i became symptomatic again. I just stay away from people now for the most part. Even tho I crave human interaction. I'm worried I do not have a good people compass.. I mean.. I don't know if I know how to recognize if ppl are safe or not. No one seems safe to me now. I'm on constant high alert
Pt.3
I'm on constant high alert. But I also crave human interaction. I have had a bf this year. But it's like I'm addicted to love or something. If anyone gives me any kindness or love I want to be around them and get that feeling. Which leads me to staying with people who aren't good for me and ignoring red flags or not even seeing it right away just because I crave love and affection and kindness so much. So I left this person cuz I recognize the addiction to love. And how it is unhealthy cuz the relationship itself was never healthy and isn't helping me. But I am still craving him. Or someone. Anyone. But I am aware now of this pattern. And how I put myself in bad situations to be retraumatized because I just want to be accepted and held and told I am okay and loved and hugged.
I don't have any friends. I have such difficulty with friendships. One on one is so much easier for me. Which is why I become to attached to one person.
So now I'm trying my best to just stay on my own in this new life starting now in this new place. And accept my illness and try to manage myself better. And hope for a better future. I don't want to be hurt anymore. And I don't want to hurt myself anymore.
@Ellaella7889 Althought it may feel safer for some trauma survivors to keep people at arms length and not make attachments, everyone has needs and everyone needs to feel cared about and loved, so craving human interaction isnt that unusual. The problem sometimes can be that because survivors are so select and only allow so few people into their lives, this can feel isolating at times for them and so during the healing process it can be good for Survivors to relearn about what healthy relationships are and to try and increase their social circles.
Ah you mentioned ignoring red flags and my post above asked the question about whether you trust your gut instincts about whether someone is good to be around or not and you have kind of answered it in the sense that you ignore the red flags. This also indicates perhaps your own self worth and self esteem are quite low, because its important to have good people in your life and if settling for second best, or for people who have the potential to hurt you is what you tend to do, then thats kind of not looking after yourself. Perhaps somewhere subconsciously you feel its what you have known and are used to? Its important to try and recognise the danger signs, and to try and keep yourself safe from revictimisation. I know and can appreciate that sometimes it can feel like you want to ignore the danger signs because that person may also at times show you the love and care you so desperately crave but ultimately this leads to you getting hurt and people who really care about you, wont set out to hurt you and wont raise so many red flags for you to be worried about. Those who are truely geniune people to be around want you to be happy, want the best for you and do not wish for you to be hurt.
You were right to leave the relationship and as your post said, the relationship wasnt healthy and certainly not for you. I can also appreciate how a lot of trauma survivors want to be accepted and held, and to be told that you are okay and lovable but the most important person to do this, is actually yourself. If you dont believe yourself to be any of those things, people can say that but you may struggle to believe and accept it. Would you say this can happen for you? Self acceptance and being comfortable with yourself may help to diminish the need and craving you have to be with anyone despite that person being abusive. It takes time to get to that place, but perhaps with support you can work on self acceptance?
I hope like you that you have a better anf happier future one where people respect you, dont hurt you and one where you dont feel the need to remain in unhealthy relationships which only serve to hurt you in the end. There are people here you can speak to if you need and will try and support you as you begin to come to terms with your experiences and find a way of managing things so that you can continue to move forward
@Ellaella7889 Im replying to your second post.....I know it may feel as if abuse and trauma follow you but as you begin to heal from what you have gone through you will hopefully be able to see that others have chosen to exploit you, exploit the fact your have had a painful past which has affected you and have exploited the fact that trauma has left you fragile and coping with PTSD. Overtime I hope that you will begin to feel less need to hurt yourself, because you have been hurt enough already. Self harm is a way of coping for many Trauma Survivors but whilst it works in the short term, long term the cause of what is making someone hurt themselves still needs to be addressed and then healthier alternatives to self harming explored and learnt. Its good to hear that for you yoga and meditation seems to be helping you and perhaps you can use the meditation in times where perhaps you may be struggling more with emotions, flashbacks etc
Being homeless must have been difficult for you and its good to hear you are now in accommodation and getting perhaps the support you need? You mentioned being on a high state of alert and not knowing who is safe. Its very hard for trauma survivors especially if they have been hurt by people they thought they could trust. There are good people in this world who dont set out to hurt anyone but in life there is sadly no guarantee of absolute safety because we cannot control others and humans by their very nature make mistakes and do sometimes even unintentionally hurt someone. I guess with time and support what you learn to identify is what feels okay for you, what healthy boundaries are, what signs to look for that a relationship is perhaps not a healthy one, you learn to say No and be assertive, you grow in self awareness, self confidence and self esteem. It takes time to get to a place where your stronger and more able to rid yourself of toxic or unhealthy people in your life, but most trauma survivors are good at having a gut feeling sometimes about someone, the problem is they dont always trust their instincts because they have never been allowed too. Would you say your good at trusting your own instincts?
@Ellaella7889 Hi Ella, I understand what you feel. You've been going through rough times and I'm glad to read that you indicate the problems you have with yourself. Being honest with yourself is a good step towards healing. Going through childhood and relationship trauma is not an easy thing as I could relate to that as well. I am on the recovery here and every single day you have to believe in yourself that you will heal, but you have to also engage in your healing which I'm sure you do by being in here.
Craving for love, affection, and kindness is not a mistake at all. We all need that to heal. While isolation can do good if you ever need to rebalance yourself, staying in there for too long might do harm for you, though I understand your position that you're constantly on high alert. It's perfectly a normal reaction if you've been facing harshness. People who are in trauma lose their sense of safety and I want to reassure you that although you might think that it's an illness, I'll try to give a second opionion on that one. You don't have an illness, you're going through a psychological wound at this moment and like any other scar or hurt, it takes time to heal. I hope you will never lose that faith on yourself. Please be kind to yourself whenever you can.
@Ellaella7889 this seems like a really good place to start building long term positive relationships. You are safe here. You can take your time to learn what you like and don't like about people.
@Ellaella7889 Hi Daniella and welcome to the trauma community. I am sorry your post has not yet had a response. Thank you for sharing all that you did within your posts. How did it feel to share all of that with us?
It sounds from what you wrote that you become kind of like a workaholic to cope with your past, your experiences and the PTSD, as a way of avoiding having to deal with it, perhaps avoid having to feel? Obviously this can work to some degree but eventually as with everything that gets suppressed, it often leaks out in ways we least expect and needs to be dealt with at some point.
It sounds as if you have had quite a tough time, to a point where you felt being in hospital was perhaps safer for you? How did it feel to make that decision and what support did you get whilst you were in hospital? I am so sorry that your ex partner took advantage of the fact your were extremely vulnerable and assaulted you. Its good to hear that you made the decision to leave him after this. Was this the first time anything like that had happened between the two of you? It is not uncommon sadly for those who have suffered trauma in childhood to suffer further revictimisation as an adult and it certainly isnt something to do with it being your fault because none of this was. When people are hurt, vulnerable and needing to heal from early childhood experiences, sometimes people can pick up or sense vulnerabilities in others and choose to exploit that, especially if someone has next to nothing self esteem self worth etc. I hope you can accept that what happened was certainly not about you or the kind of person you are?
My Story:
It began at age 3 where my mom who was a heavy drinker got some food from the dump and fed to me and my sister which was no good it killed my sister but they saved me.Removed from my mothers home and placed in foster care.There were other children in this home . I did not know that 5 of them were my sisters. But one day they disappeared and only 2 of us were still in the foster home. We got adopted out and the family became my new parents. At the age of 4 my Adopted dad began molesting me. This went on till I was 13. I told my mom my dad was arrested but got out. It was a millitary arrest. Mom left my dad leaving me with him while she left and did not come back.He moved His family in and I became the mens sex toy. They said they wanted to keep it in the family. I had no childhood. I could not do or go any where unless I gave them the Ultimate favor as they called it...............3 of my dads brothers no one help me, no one believed this because he was looked on as a man of prestige he worked at the Pentegon. But the
@scarletPear1945 Hi There Scarlet, thanks for sharing with us your story :) It sounds as if you had a really tough time growing up, with your mother's drinking, and her inability to care for you and your sister. Im sorry to hear you lost your sister. How old were you when she died? How did you find foster care? Im sorry too that your dad abused you and that you were made to feel, this was all you were worth. The comments about keeping it in the family does not justifiy or excuse his behaviour and I'm sorry that you were made to feel as though that was all you were worth. Abuse is not your fault, it is never any childs fault no matter what excuse the adults make. Im sorry you had to go through that and wonder what support you have now, to cope with and work through your traumatic experiences?
@Ellaella7889
Hello I am BubblegumPuppy68
I am so sorry for your experiences. I can really relate to you because that was my life story from 4 years old even now and I am an older lady that seems to always attract sexually dysfunction people who try to accost me. The reason they gave me was that I had bedroom eyes that made them do that to me. I have experienced being made to let family members have their way with me at age 12.
So sweetheart tries to get help because this stuff is hard to deal with even over time there are Triggers that will arise.
