New here! Tw. Death. Depression. Self harm. Addiction

Hello my name is Kenzii and i wanted to see if I could reach out and ask for advice on ways to cope with the loss of my boyfriend. He committed suicide and it's been two years since he passed and I'm struggling to allow myself to love again and trust in people again. My heart still breaks everyday over this and the guilt I feel is unbearable some days I try to let it go and give it to god but it's very hard some days I feel as tho it's never ending pain I'll always have and it'll never go away. I can still remember the moment we met and the way I felt about him and it makes me miss him even more. I tried to hurt myself because of his death and also became addicted to drugs I now am 3 weeks sober and am trying to just cope with the loss and move forward with my recovery please any kind words would really help me right now. I've recently went In-pacient in a hospital over a breakdown I had because I miss him so much :(